Undeniable (Fated series Book 4) Read online

  Be yourself.

  It’s the only way to find out, who truly

  loves you, for being you.

  I loved it, for it’s almost effortless truth.

  We had unpacked my case, and the few bits and pieces I had brought with me, with ease. The limited things I wanted to wear had been hung up and placed in the two drawers available to me and the rest was still in my case and shoved under the bed. The clothes in the case would travel home at weekends with me and the new things I wanted to buy would stay here, so my two lives could co-exist comfortably, side by side.

  Katy fell into her bed and the mattress let out a small complaint. I smiled hearing the noise. I didn’t know how I was ever going to sleep tonight, I was beyond excited about being here with her and sharing the room together. I was looking forward to the laughter and secrets we would share.

  She let out a loud groan. ‘At last… So, I’ve been waiting. You said you would tell me how you now come to find yourself engaged? I’m all ears, as the last time we spoke you were saying that you felt like sometimes you didn’t even like him?’ I watched as her face crinkled up in repugnance.

  ‘Mmmm, well… where do I start?’ I sat up, clutching the quilt around me as I did so. ‘Basically, one of the criteria for being allowed to come here was my engagement before I left home.’ I looked at her stunned face and I tight lipped a small smile over to her, immediately regretting my declaration.

  ‘When you speak I hear lots of words, but my brain shut down the moment I heard “criteria” and “allowed.”’ I could hear the concern in her voice. ‘Okay, do you even want to marry what’s-his-name?’

  ‘I… It’s not quite as simple as that, Katy, and his name’s Anton.’

  ‘Do you love him… sorry Anton?’

  I refused to lie to her, but I wasn’t yet willing to share how much Anton repulsed me. ‘No, I don’t love him. But I know that strong marriages can be built upon mutual respect.’ I answered with a light tone of voice, hoping she would follow suit and not take this conversation down the dangerous path that I felt it was heading.

  ‘Maybe… I know I’m looking for more than that. I know that doesn’t mean I hold the conclusive manual on having a happy relationship. In fact, I’m fully aware of that.’ She sighed as she spoke the last few words. ‘So, let’s put it another way, will he allow you to live your life? Will he support you and encourage you as a person?’

  ‘We have the same goals, Katy. Family means everything to us, it’s a great place to start.’

  I watched as she got out of her covers and repositioned herself to sit cross-legged on the very edge of her bed nearest to me, placing her hands on her shin bones. ‘Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?’

  ‘We have been promised to each other, by our families.’ I swallowed down the burning bile that had just hit the back of my throat as my stomach churned against itself in my discomfort. This was the very conversation I had been refusing to have with myself. It was just like Katy to read my innermost thoughts and fears, and bring them kicking and screaming up to the surface. ‘It’s not that simple.’

  ‘Lily, you are a woman of the twenty-first century, we live in a mostly civilised society… it is, believe me, that simple.’

  ‘My family are old-fashioned, they have different views than most people in modern-day society. They want to make sure I end up with a man who can look after me.’

  I watched as Katy threw her arms up into the air. ‘I get that completely; all parents want their daughters and sons to be in a union where they are looked after by their significant others. But most of them want other things for their children as well.’ She questioned me with a look.

  ‘Of course, they want other things for me.’

  ‘Good! As I haven’t met them in all the time I’ve known you, I need to ask. What else do you think they want for you, Lily?’

  I felt my cheeks begin to colour as I wracked my brain to search for an answer to her question. But I couldn’t find anything that caring, loving parents would want for their children.

  Silent tears started to roll down my cheeks.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I lied.

  I knew exactly what they wanted. But none of the things would back up my flimsy argument, in fact it would cement hers. It wasn’t that I couldn’t accept her being right, I wasn’t that sort of person. It was the realisation that my father didn’t care if my life was what I wanted it to be, and my mum was too weak to stand up against him. In short, my life was mapped out with what he wanted, me being happy didn’t even factor into it. I listed the things in my head.

  Control.

  Obedience.

  Submission.

  Compliance.

  Grandchildren to carry on the family line. All of the words meant the same. They ran around my head, beating out a tattoo.

  The sudden awareness that I was nothing more than a breeding mare in my father’s game of life hit me like a sledge hammer. The tears came faster now and I let out a sob. Immediately, Katy was on my bed with me, pushing me over to one side until she had enough room to lie down beside me and pull me down into her arms as I cried.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lils… The last thing I wanted to do was to upset you, believe me. But I’ve been reading between the lines for a while and I don’t think you want to marry him at all? I want you to see it before it’s too late.’

  ‘It’s already too late, Katy. But I’ve only just comprehended it.’

  ‘Nothing is ever too late, we’ll work something out. I promise.’

  It was the end of my third week and I was enjoying everything university had to offer; the classes, the work and most of all being with people who were my generation, albeit a few years younger than my twenty-four years. I was working hard at my studies and although I had only been here a couple of weeks I was making good progress. I made it a firm rule to only touch a piece of work once. I hadn’t got the time to spare to do it any other way.

  The two weekends I had gone home, I had spent mainly holed up in my room, working solidly. I knew I couldn’t do this for long as my parents would very soon start to question the change in me, and my attitude towards them would be brought up. But it was very necessary right now. It helped me in two ways, it helped with the time constraints on my studies. It also kept me away from my family and Anton. I still hadn’t come to terms with the facts that Katy had made me face up to, and didn’t want to be around any of them. That, for the moment, even included my poor weak mum. In fact, it was her that now scared me the most. She was, I had quickly comprehended, me in the future, unless I was able to gather the strength I needed to break free from the chains that symbolically bound me.

  I had begun to question everything at home, not believing I had lived there for twenty-four years without doing so before. It was almost like I’d been drugged into docility, and I had concerns, major concerns. At meal times, I started listening to conversations more thoroughly than ever before, and I wasn’t liking what I was starting to piece together.

  The only respite from work that I allowed myself during my weekends at home, was to spend time with Fox and to ride Beauty out, they were a very welcome relief.

  Katy and I hadn’t brought up my engagement again, we had however done things I had only ever dreamt of doing before. She had taken me into town on the first morning we both had free and had helped me choose a few new bits and pieces to wear. I was now the very proud owner of three pairs of jeans and a handful of T-shirts to wear with them, a university hoodie she had insisted that I just had to have, and some flat pumps. I had also, much to my horror, been talked into buying a couple of new dresses that fitted me, and both had a hem that came above my knee. I hadn’t been at all comfortable with wearing either of them at first, and had just stared at the changing room mirror hardly recognising myself in the reflection. But Katy, who had squeezed into the tight cubicle with me, convinced me that I just had to have them. My wardrobe now also contained a couple of short flowy skirts, some rip
ped jean shorts and some silky vest tops, in light summery colours, that Katy had also persuaded me I just had to have. The bill wasn’t too bad as most of the clothing was in the sale. I counted out some of the notes that I had saved over the years, with a sense of pride and freedom that I hadn’t ever encountered before. God forbid I should use my credit card in a shop I knew my father would condemn. I would use that for books, stationary and required reading material only.

  Life, it appeared, was going just as I had hoped it would. The only problem I had was my growing attraction to Jack.

  As much as I had listened to Katy and her warnings about him, as much as I tried to tell myself that I was courting with danger, I just couldn’t seem to get him out of my mind. Apart from sharing the flat and the amenities, we spent two lectures together during the week and then two sessions afterwards where we worked together bashing out our ideas. He really did have the most phenomenal brain and I was often pleased with his quick grasp of whatever concepts the professor gave us. In the past two weeks, Jack had even been punctual and stayed awake during the lectures, much to the Professor’s delight.

  It wasn’t his work ethic that I now constantly questioned, but like some hormone-filled teenager, whenever I was in his presence I quietly mulled over whether he had a similar attraction to me. The trouble was I had no gauge to go by. So, I found myself yet again, on our second collaboration of the third week, watching him intently, wondering just what he was thinking, as he finished writing down our latest idea on the tatty scraps of paper that he always carried with him.

  Jack had been to the gym earlier and had ran into the library right on the cusp of being late, his pounding feet releasing a cacophony of “Ssshhh” from the various students there. I had been in our usual spot, up high on the very ornate, oak-carved mezzanine level that completely encircled the lower level of books. He had run in and stood stock still, lifting his eyes up to scan across the whole of the balcony until he found me. A big smile had swept over his features as he saw me offer him a tentative wave, then he had bounded as quietly as possible up the stairs. It gave me the opportunity to fully take him in. Hair still wet from the shower, a show of stubble over his face, black sweat shorts hanging illegally low on his hips and his favourite geeky, very colourful, Marvel T-shirt. I knew how he would smell before he even reached me, but when the spicy wafts hit me I had to close my eyes and inhale deeply. My heart beat fiercely as soon as he came within reach.

  I was captivated by him. The last two occasions when I knew we were going to meet, I had made sure I’d dressed in something pretty. I was playing with fire. I was trying to get his attention and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. For the first time in my life I wanted someone to find me pretty, to want me for me. For the first time ever, I wanted to feel how other people my age felt when they fell in lust. I knew it couldn’t come to anything, but I was enjoying flirting with him, and that’s what I was convinced I was now doing.

  I was playing a dangerous game.

  I knew I shouldn’t want him.

  I knew I couldn’t have him.

  I knew I was putting myself at risk of my father’s wrath, but for some unknown reason I didn’t care. Unless I could break free, I had two years of life and I wanted to grab hold of them tightly and live them to the maximum. After all, I had convinced myself that flirting and having fun wasn’t really breaking the rules.

  ‘That’s us finished for the day.’ I watched as Jack folded up his crumpled piece of paper and began to push it down deep into his pocket. How he ever knew where to find what he needed was beyond me. He looked up from his job in hand. ‘You look far too pretty to be inside a library, you need showing off to the world, Lils. Do ya fancy grabbing a cold drink and maybe something to eat?’

  ‘Thanks… Yes, that’s a good idea.’ I had never been on the end of a compliment before. My cheeks burnt with the blush that consumed them and I had to stop myself from trying to persuade him otherwise. I pushed my chair back so I could stand up and away from the table we had been working at and bent down to pick up my books, pushing the hem of my skirt down as I did so. Jack, being typical Jack, only had the couple of pieces of paper that were now stuffed into his pockets and a plastic biro with a very chewed end, which he had placed over his ear.

  ‘I thought we could get a drink. We could go and sit over on the bank… whatcha think?... It’s a nice day.’ He smiled broadly in encouragement.

  ‘Sounds like a lovely idea.’

  I followed Jack to the top of the stairs and he stood back, holding out one hand to carry my books and waving his other arm at me, silently indicating for me to go first. I smiled my thanks and started down the stairs holding on to the banister tightly. I knew that I very often became a complete blithering idiot when in his presence and really didn’t fancy falling bottom over boobs down the stairs.

  The sunlight was still strong even though it was now early October. We were having an Indian summer the weather forecasters said. I knew we were all enjoying the freedom it gave us to spend time outdoors, as we knew it wouldn’t last much longer.

  With food and drink bought from one of the many restaurants on the campus we made our way to the grass bank that overlooked the large man-made pond. The day was really something, the light, warm breeze made the now mainly crisp leaves quiver and shake. The noise they made sounded like part of a percussion in an orchestra. They were all different shades of yellows, oranges and reds, and as they moved it looked like the sunlight was dancing on the water. I couldn’t remember a more beautiful start to autumn. It was only enhanced by the gorgeous man beside me.

  ‘How about here?’ Jack speaking brought me back from my thoughts.

  ‘Here looks just great.’ And it was. I only had one concern after a quick look around us, and that was the lack of other people. He had brought us to somewhere secluded.

  ‘OK?’ Jack questioned as he threw himself down onto the long grass.

  ‘Yes… fine,’ I added hesitantly.

  ‘What is it… are ya scared of being alone with me, Lils?’ he gently teased.

  At his question, I made my tense body move. I placed my food down next to him and with as much ladylike precision as I could summon up, I curled my bare legs underneath me and sat down next to him, making sure my short flowery skirt covered as much of my bare flesh as possible. I watched silently as he pulled off his faded blue T-shirt, both hands pulling it from the back of his neck, up and over his head in one quick movement, revealing his toned, bare chest. He was young, but so beautiful. You could see very evident muscle definition on his torso and on each arm. The T-shirt was unceremoniously balled up for Jack to lay his head on. He relaxed into his prone position; ankles crossed over, one hand behind his head holding the T-shirt in place and the other feeding himself a warm sausage roll. His eyes were closed and I allowed my eyes to wander up and down him. My eyes lifted to his face and for the first time I realised just how perfect his features were. His eyelashes were long and such a deep black that they reminded me of coal.

  ‘I can feel ya looking at me, Lils. Whatcha thinking?’

  ‘Nothing much…’

  ‘Uh huh…So, while you’re thinking nothing much, tell me a bit more about yourself.’

  ‘There’s nothing…’ He suddenly opened one bright blue eye and interrupted me.

  ‘No… come on, don’t try and fob me off with “there’s nothing to say,” please.’ I laughed at his quick reaction.

  ‘Okay, but I’m really very boring. I’m an only child, I’m twenty-four years old and still live at home with my parents.’ I paused, waiting for him to question why I had started university so late. But nothing came, so I carried on. ‘I come from a village in Kent, near to where Katy lives.’

  ‘All good facts, but tell me about you…’

  I could feel the heat coming up from my core as a whoosh until it hit my cheeks. No one had ever really wanted to know about me before, only Katy.

  ‘I don’t really know what to say. Wha
t do you want? My guilty pleasures are, copious amounts of chocolate and Love Heart sweets. My favourite colour is purple. My favourite author is Jane Austin. I love animals. I have a horse called Beauty, she’s black of course, and a scruffy dog called Fox as he’s a red colour. God! I have a bit of a theme going there, don’t I?’ I laughed out loud and it felt so good. It felt good to be out in the sun, sharing things with a friend, sharing things with him.

  Jack’s eyes opened wide at my laughter and a huge grin swept over his face. ‘I knew I liked you, and that’s obviously why. I love animals too, in fact I often prefer them to human beings.’ That I knew was an understatement. I had watched Jack lose his temper a couple of times already with other men, and he seriously took no prisoners. He didn’t scare me at all, he didn’t seem to have a problem with females. In fact, he made me feel safe. He carried on speaking and I let my thoughts go. ‘I often wonder why the hell I’m doing a boring degree like economics and maths when I could’ve chosen something that I’m passionate about, like animal science.’

  ‘So, why are you studying this then, Jack?’

  ‘Oh, you know, family wanting the best for me and all that shit.’ He took the last bit of his sausage roll into his mouth and I watched. It appeared I was even obsessed with watching his mouth when he was chewing, his lips were so full and inviting.

  I have whatever this is, bad!

  I shut my eyes, pulled myself together and managed to once again re-join the conversation.

  ‘Yes, I know all about family’s wants.’ My voice started to drift away and when I realised that he had noticed, I added in quickly, ‘Tell me about your family?’