Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Read online

  I cocked an eyebrow up to him in question. ‘And that condition is?’

  ‘You drop the “suit porn” Edwards and go get her as John, you may not be the bloke she married, but you’re the one she fell in love with.’

  I moved closer to Alex, he stood up and we man hugged it out for a minute or two, ending with some manly slaps on each other’s backs.

  The bungalow felt empty, devoid of her presence and that in turn hurt me to my core.

  I tried not to dwell on it.

  I packed up some clothes, leaving my persona behind, and rushed as fast as I could to East Hampton airport where the plane had been put on standby for me at Alex’s request.

  As I finally sat down in the empty plane, I pulled out the bits she had left beside our bed. I felt the plane start its engines and then finally it sped its way up into the sky. The necklace I had given her, my mama’s rings and the scrapbook she had been making me, sat on my lap. I wasn’t sure which one of them had the greater significance, nor which one hurt me the most.

  But, I knew that she must be hurting more. I had caused that pain and I needed to beg her for forgiveness. I needed to beat her back to her home.

  Halfway through the flight I got up enough courage to read the words she had written on the note she had left me.

  I’m coming home, Jasmin. That was the thought that went over and over in my head, until the plane eventually touched down in England.

  The taxi dropped me off at the war memorial, something about turning around on such a small bloody lane. I didn’t care less about such trivial crap anymore. It had taken me nearly a whole twenty-four hours to get here and all I needed now was my dog and my bed. I crossed the lane, glancing at the now out-of-use red telephone box as I did so, and rolled the small case along to Ivy’s house. Luckily it was summer, the evenings were light and she would still be up. I lifted the old cast-metal door knocker and let it fall just the once announcing my arrival.

  It took a couple of minutes for her to arrive. I plastered a broad fake smile on my face.

  ‘Hello, Jasmin. I’ve been expecting you.’

  ‘You have?’ I bent forward slightly to give her a small hug. All the time I was looking to the hall floor behind her, expecting to see the wiggly body and the brown fur of Coco. But she didn’t appear.

  ‘Yes, I was told it was a surprise.’

  ‘A surprise?’ I answered, already feeling the small fluttering of hope building and growing inside of my stomach. I had to swallow it down. It was far too soon. She leant closer to me to whisper, not taking into consideration that the surprise was for me, and anyone else could hear it anyway.

  ‘Your husband collected her this morning, along with your spare key. He’s a bit of alright, isn’t he?’ She had released me and now nudged me with her elbow, which was as bony and painful as I imagined a snooker cue to be.

  I rubbed the assaulted area a little with my spare hand. I was trying to put two and two together, but I just couldn’t get it to add up.

  ‘Brent?’ I was thinking back to the excuse we made a few weeks previously, when we had fled in the middle of the night.

  ‘I didn’t get his name, but he showed me some pictures of the two of you and your family when you got married… you must know your own husband’s name, Jasmin?’ She let out a loud laugh.

  ‘John.’ I wasn’t questioning her, just simply stating a fact.

  ‘Oh yes… he would suit John.’

  My feet felt frozen to the spot. My blossom of hope had now turned to a huge spiky cactus of panic.

  ‘What are you waiting for, Jasmin? Go home to your husband. Pop and see me in a couple of days when he’ll allow you out.’ She winked and smiled the biggest denture-filled smile she could muster.

  ‘Thank you for looking after Coco so well. I have a gift for you from Rome and I will pop it over as soon as I unpack.’

  ‘Night, my dear. See you soon.’ With that she closed the door and I was left in the empty lane that held so many pieces of my past wrapped within its memories.

  I crossed the road again eventually ending up at my front door. I placed my hand on the solid brass door knob and stopped.

  How could he be here?

  A cacophony of noise started up behind the wooden door. Coco knew I was here and had alerted the man inside.

  ‘Ok, Coco that’s enough, out the way so I can let her in.’ His voice alone sent shivers of hope and expectation up and down my spine.

  The door knob turned in my loose grip and I let my hand fall away. The door finally opened to reveal John stood behind it, in dirty jeans and a T-shirt that was equally as bad. He had an old tea towel and a wrench in his other hand.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ It seemed a fitting question to ask, even though I knew.

  ‘Well, for the last two hours I’ve been looking at your plumbing system, but although I’ve manged to stop it coughing and spluttering, I don’t think I will manage to save it long term.’

  I stepped into the cramped hallway, just letting the words he had spoken wash over me. Wondering if he was using the plumbing system as a euphemism for our marriage, I changed the subject quickly.

  ‘What can I smell?’

  ‘Our dinner… my wife once told me that I was domesticated, so I wanted to show her just how much.’

  ‘She did? You did?’ I had made it to my lounge where I fell into the large floral armchair that dominated the space. John sat down on the arm and looked at me.

  ‘Don’t you want to know why I’m really here?’

  ‘Honestly?’ I questioned and he nodded back his answer.

  ‘I’m too scared to ask. I’m so bloody tired of everything I’ve been through in the last few days, I’m not sure I could cope with your answer.’

  He smiled his understanding back to me.

  ‘Shall I get you some dinner?’ He reverted to a lighter subject and stood to his full height almost knocking his head on the low ceiling. Coco moved in to take his place. I let my head dip down to her as she showed me how much she had missed me. I stroked her velvet ears between my fingers as she nuzzled my legs. I enjoyed the love she gave, that held no secrets, no expectations, and definitely no pain.

  The clatter of a pan from the kitchen brought us both around from our self-induced, indulgent coma. Coco, because she knew that food was probably scattered all over the slate floor… And me because John swearing happened so rarely, it brought a welcome smile to my mouth.

  ‘SHIT.’

  I said nothing and lay my head back into the comfort of the old sinking armchair. I couldn’t think about why he was here for now; tomorrow was another day.

  I opened one eye as I felt him returning from the kitchen.

  ‘Here you go, toast, jam and tea. Not quite what I had planned, but it’ll do for tonight.’

  ‘Did Coco enjoy it?’ I smiled my question to him as I took a large bite of toast.

  ‘She seemed to… Look, Jasmin… Can I stay here tonight? We need to talk, but if you prefer I’ll go and ask at the pub to see if they have a room.’

  ‘You can stay… I have no other bedrooms that are usable though.’ I saw the look of hope flare up in his eyes. ‘You can however stay down here on my wonderfully comfortable settee,’ I added.

  ‘That’ll be fine.’ I watched as his eyes ran over the length of the two-seater in the lounge. He was mentally trying to work out what bits of him would potentially fit. I knew he would be uncomfortable on it and inside I was pleased. He couldn’t have everything his own way. I couldn’t open myself up to him again, to then have him shut me down. There was no way I could allow him to share my bed, my one place of sanctuary, not unless he was here to make everything right between us.

  Turn off your brain and just eat.

  I finished the toast, gratefully drank down my tea and stood to go to bed.

  ‘Thanks for that. There are spare blankets and pillows in the chest over by the window, help yourself and I’ll see you in the morning… as you say we nee
d to chat.’

  With that I turned, walked out into the hallway and began my ascent up to bed.

  ‘Night, Caxap.’ I closed my eyes as those two whispered words circled themselves around me and once again pierced through the pathetic barrier around my heart. I curled up in my bed, with Coco beside me. Sleep didn’t come easily; all I could think of was John downstairs and me up here. A few steps were all there were between us, but it might as well have been a million.

  ‘Where are you taking us?’ I questioned, as John expertly drove the hired black Audi R6 expertly around the narrow country lanes.

  I had woken up this morning to a breakfast tray in bed. His attention to detail was everything to him, he had placed a single piece of lilac from the front garden in one of my gran’s tiny vases. The breakfast was delicious; he could certainly cook. While I ate, he sat at the bottom of my bed watching me.

  Once I had finished eating he had led me to the bathroom. He had run me a bath and added my favourite strawberry oil, surprisingly the clank of the antiquated plumbing system hadn’t alerted me.

  Maybe his plumbing skills were better than he thought? I hoped his making up skills were as good.

  I knew he hadn’t slept most of the night and by the time I had bathed and done my hair, a picnic had been made and he had found an old Tartan rug from God knows where and packed the car with it all. Coco was sitting on the back seat waiting for us, wagging her tail and distributing copious amounts of hair all over the brand-new vehicle.

  ‘We’re going to talk today, aren’t we?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I replied.

  ‘Well, I think it will be easier to show you something first and then talk, if that’s OK?’

  I nodded my acceptance.

  The inside of the car was quiet as he concentrated on the narrow lanes ahead. I watched the man I loved as he competently managed the car. He, for the second day in a row, was dressed casually in clean jeans and a V-necked, navy blue T-shirt. Very surprisingly he looked relaxed, the sort of relaxed that comes from acceptance.

  After driving for just under an hour we pulled up outside of St Nicholas, a tiny Norman church in the heart of the Kent countryside. He pulled his large frame up and out of the sporty car and then jogged around to my side, opening the door for me to get out.

  ‘Sorry, Coco, we won’t be long, you can’t get out just yet,’ he spoke to my dog. She was already perfectly attuned to him, she sat back down and rested her head on the open window ledge, just so she could watch us.

  I stood up and adjusted the white summer dress I was wearing. John offered me his hand and I placed my much smaller one within its confines, feeling the familiar electric sensation I felt every time we touched. He opened the old oak gate and we walked in. My sandals made a click as they hit the ancient flagstones, it echoed around the peaceful emptiness. I could feel him begin to tense as we walked around the side and came out to the graveyard beyond. Suddenly, he stopped walking.

  ‘John?’

  ‘Sorry. I haven’t been here in a long time, well not since her funeral.’ He began to walk again, eventually he stopped at a small white marble headstone. I gripped onto his hand with both of mine. Allowing my eyes to leave him and to read the writing on the delicately carved object.

  Amy Grace Edwards

  Daughter, wife and mother.

  Born 21stAugust 1982 – Died 18th April 2009

  ‘Your first wife, John?’

  He nodded his answer.

  ‘Hello, Amy.’ He started to speak to the small headstone and the ground in front of it.

  ‘Sorry, I haven’t been around in a while… This is Jasmin…’ His feet began to shuffle and then he pulled us both down to the grass at her feet. I followed his lead and went down to my knees.

  ‘I’m so sorry I was stationed away when you and the baby needed me… I truly am, but you were never supposed to get pregnant, we both knew that. The doctors told you that your kidneys just couldn’t cope… I think I understand why you did it… But I don’t know… Can you both find it in your heart to forgive me? At least I hope you’re together and at peace.’ His other hand started to pull up pieces of grass as he continued his chat with Amy. As he carried on I began to tune out, going over the words he had just spoken.

  It all began to make perfect sense.

  His mama dying after he left her as a small boy, his father constantly condemning him, just because he could, and Amy dying while she was still pregnant with his child, again something he could do nothing about while he was stationed overseas. I stood up saying nothing, but placed a kiss to his head as he continued his talk with Amy. He needed the time and space to cleanse his soul and what better place than a sunny church graveyard. I walked back to the car and opened the door for Coco to jump out, so she could have a sniff around.

  No wonder the man I loved, constantly blew hot and cold. I picked up a daisy from the grass around my feet and began to pull off the petals one by one while I waited for John to finish and to come back to join me.

  Coco heard him before I saw him.

  I looked up from my task, taking him in. He appeared lighter somehow.

  ‘If you’re doing the “he loves me, he loves me not” then I can tell you that I love you with all my heart. Any other answer would be wrong.’ He smiled a small hesitant smile. ‘Are you OK? Was bringing you here too much?’

  ‘No, bringing me here and showing me your past was exactly the right thing to do. I have one question, though. Why did you marry Amy if you never loved her?’

  ‘Her father was as abusive as mine was, she was my friend and she needed help. I did what I could do to help and got her away.’ I looked at John’s face as his aqua eyes peered through a long piece of his hair. ‘But it wasn’t enough… it seems whatever I do, has never been enough to look after those who mean something to me.’ His gaze dropped down to the floor and he began to pace up and down the side of the car as he spoke. His shoes crunched on the loose gravel. ‘Once we were married she told me she loved me and always had… I didn’t love her, sure I cared for her, but my love at that time belonged to my helicopter.’

  ‘But she was pregnant, John.’

  ‘I know! What can I say… I’m a man, we used to sleep together when I was on leave, she wanted it and hey, I’m not proud of myself… it was sex. I’ve always enjoyed sex.’ The conversation halted as he went over the facts in his head. ‘I hadn’t been back home for four months when I got called back, her kidneys were failing and she refused to abort the baby she was carrying, to save her life. By the time I got to the hospital back here in England she had gone into a coma, one she never came out of. The baby she carried was a complete surprise to me. She knew I would want her to abort it, so she could save herself and I can only think that’s why she never told me.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, John.’ I reached out to touch his arm. His eyes followed my hand.

  ‘Does this all have a familiar ring to it, Jasmin?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I scrunched up my face in question.

  ‘Am I the same as, as…? Hell, I don’t know his name.’ He stood taller, pushed his hands deep into his pockets and looked up to the sky in exasperation, blowing out a quick stream of air.

  ‘That’s because I never said… his name was Caine, and no I don’t think this is the same at all. Caine knew I was pregnant and chose to leave me to it. From what you’ve explained to me Amy loved you and she wanted your child, probably hoping she could give you what you’ve always needed, a family. She knew she was ill and even when that pregnancy threatened her life she chose to keep your baby. That’s the difference here. Staying pregnant was her choice, not your choice. You didn’t have a choice; Caine however did have a choice and walked away without a care in the world. You’ve been blaming yourself for things that have happened in your life that were beyond your control and you need to pull yourself out of it before it ruins your future.’

  John moved quickly and wrapped me up in his arms. He bent his head to my
hair and I heard him inhale. Slowly, I felt as his heart began to calm down.

  ‘Alex said you would understand,’ he whispered into my ear.

  ‘I do… but do you? You need to understand, John, that I can’t get back into this… into us, if you cannot believe what I’ve been saying here, my heart just won’t take it.’ I allowed my fingers to caress his chest as we spoke.

  ‘I’m beginning to see that Amy and my mama’s death weren’t my fault. Being my father’s verbal punching bag is now at an end. That was my fault… it was my fault that I didn’t grow a fucking pair and walk away sooner.’

  ‘Well that’s a start, I can only hope it’s enough. You are one of the strongest, most dependable people I have ever met, it wasn’t ever about growing a pair. It was all about you recognising that sometimes in life we need to walk away from people who don’t deserve us. Even people that society thinks we should keep in our lives. It takes a lot to stand up, to walk away and not to let them affect you anymore. If that means cutting them out completely, if that’s what it takes, then so be it. It wasn’t that you weren’t strong enough to let him go, it was the small boy in you that wanted to keep his only parent close.’

  All at once John fell to his knees in front of me. He grabbed my hands and placed a kiss to the inside of both of my wrists. That small gesture ran through my veins and connected with my heart.

  ‘I’m sorry I hurt you, Jasmin, I love you.’

  ‘I know, but is that enough? We’ve just, in the last few days, done exactly what we promised each other we wouldn’t do. You pushed me away and I left.’ His eyebrow raised as he took in what I was saying.

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong, Sugar. I said I wouldn’t leave you again and you said you wouldn’t push me away. So, can we broker a deal? If I never leave your side again do you promise to not push me away?’ He smiled hesitantly at me and his head twisted to the side, in question.

  I smiled down at him and ran my hands through his hair. He carried on speaking.