Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Read online

  That evening we came together again at a karaoke bar. I watched stunned, as the heavily tattooed, it had to be said dirty-mouthed Nathan literally serenaded Bella. The man had more romance in him than anyone I had ever met. It just went to show that you should never judge a book by its cover. I was so happy for them both. I stood up high on a chair holding my sister’s hand as together we peered over the top of the crowd of people. She squeezed the life out of my hand as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  As the song came to an end Nathan jumped off the stage and strode back into her waiting arms. John’s hands came up to find mine and he helped me down to him and pulled me onto his lap. That evening he felt a bit more relaxed. I sat on his lap as we watched Nathan and Bella leave us, with the excuse that Nathan needed an early night to be at his best in the race tomorrow.

  ‘How are you, John?’ I almost had to shout in his ear to get him to hear me over the cheers and shouts as Bella and Nathan left the bar we were in.

  ‘Better now you’re in my arms. You seem to chase my demons away.’

  I gave him a smile as he tipped my chin up to meet his lips. He kissed me until I was breathless, in the kiss I felt everything he couldn’t say.

  Have patience. Stay with me. But most of all, I love you.

  We didn’t sleep much that night as he made love to me over and over. I fell into an exhausted sleep just as dawn was breaking.

  One crazy week later

  The last week had been an absolute whirlwind, a dream and then a nightmare. John and I had to once again put aside our problems and just cope with all the shit that had opened up unbelievably right in front of our eyes.

  Nathan had finished his race, the winner. John had been by my side for the whole of the race, shouting and cheering with the rest of the guys, looking more relaxed than I had seen him in days. Our large group had all moved fast, from watching and cheering him on, to following Bella, who ran down into the winner’s enclosure and jumped up side-saddle onto Nathan’s bike. The enclosure was hot and crammed full of celebrating people. Cameras went off everywhere, creating bright sparks of light. The adrenalin rush was contagious. Then completely out of the blue, and in slow motion, came something that looked and felt like I was in the middle of a film set watching a movie being made.

  A loud crack had filled the air. I struggled to push through people as Bella and Nathan fell away from his bike and disappeared from my view.

  The sudden screams that went up around me and the sight of my beloved sister lying on the ground in a pool of Nathan’s blood would live with me until my dying day. I was only glad my parents and brother hadn’t been there to witness it. Our extended family had, that God-awful day, shared joy then shock, horror and anguish as we fought to hold each other and ourselves together. Petrie Antonescu wasn’t the helpful friend Bella had remembered him to be, as security guards rushed in and tackled him to the ground a small handgun dropped from his hand.

  John and Alex were first to the scene and John had delivered first-aid to Nathan. He had worked methodically and been totally in control of the situation. Scott and I had helped Bella as she struggled with the fact that she thought her world had come to an end in the few short seconds the gun had taken to fire. As I comforted her and rocked her back and forth in my arms, I watched as John did what he could for Nathan. As the ambulance pulled away my husband was still on his knees covered in Nathan’s blood. The crowd dispersed around him and there he sat, with a look of disbelief on his face and the blood of his best friend’s brother all over his hands. I watched with a heavy pain in my heart as I saw his shutters come down again.

  Unbelievably, however bad things had been and looked at the time, a week later we were all still together, having overcome the madness that had once again been thrust into all our lives.

  We were back in the Hamptons at a small private hospital. I waited in the corridor for my sister to arrive with Alex. I knew on the outside I looked every bit the bridesmaid, I had the matching dress, my hair and make-up had been done to perfection, inside though it was a very different story, I was a wreck. I felt so ridiculously emotional that I could hardly contain the tears that threatened to fall. I saw Bella walking towards me on the arm of Alex. I was so proud of her, of all of us and what we had lived through in the last week. But it was her I looked up to, she had shown me so much strength and I knew it was what I needed to find within me now.

  I followed behind her wordlessly as she went into the room on our dad’s arm and said her vows to the man who had stolen her heart. As they spoke their vows in front of us all, I allowed my poor tortured mind to think back to my own wedding day. I stood at the foot of Nathan’s bed, occasionally glancing to the side where John stood, bolt upright, encased in his breathtaking navy suit, a crisp white shirt and patterned tie. I knew his gun would be underneath the well-fitting jacket, as since the incident he seemed to never be off duty.

  Since Nathan had been shot, he had once again closed himself off from all of us. Alex had told him that the incident had nothing whatsoever to do with him, as it had been all down to him and Nathan, and the decisions they had made. I had listened outside the crack in the office door as he had done so, but I knew John hadn’t taken it in. Throughout the last week, he had pulled slowly away from everyone. I knew he wasn’t sleeping at all now. I had even tried to argue with him only yesterday, to try to bring him to his senses. As the celebrant spoke to Nathan and Bella, and our family gathered in closer around us, I thought back to my heated words.

  “What’s going on, John?” I spoke to the distant figure staring out to sea. We were back in the small bungalow. His broad back faced me as he stood in front of the French doors. He never turned to look at me, but crossed his arms over his chest letting out a deep sigh and stretching his dress shirt over the contours of his muscles. My fingers twitched as I fought not to reach out to him. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t allow myself to. My own self-preservation had kicked in

  “You’re not sleeping. You opened up to me and now you’re closing down right in front of my eyes. I feel like I’m on a see-saw. If you regret us, at least have the decency to tell me.” Still he said nothing.

  “JOHN! Speak to me, say something.”

  I watched as at last he turned around to face me. Tears fell down his face. He lifted a hand up to wipe them away and then I watched as he felt the wetness between his two fingers with what looked like surprise on his face.

  “I’m sorry, Jasmin. I never meant to hurt you.” With those few words, he moved past me and out of the bungalow.

  “You’ve left me and you said you wouldn’t ever do it again.” I spoke to the empty walls of the bungalow and crumpled to the floor exactly where I had been standing and cried my heart out.

  I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening.

  This week was so not about us.

  Snapping myself free from my memory of yesterday, I looked at him again. His eyes never seemed to leave Nathan and Bella. He was in full over-protective mode and while all the other couples in the room seemed to acknowledge their love for each other in little ways, as they watched the two people in front of us share their love for each other, his eyes never once looked for mine.

  His suit was on, façade in place and emotions once again locked away, behind a barrier of his own making.

  I just couldn’t do this anymore. I had tried and I had spectacularly failed. For once, I had to deal in facts, rather than my go-to feelings. He may have chosen me but when all was said and done, I quite simply wasn’t enough.

  Bella and Nathan had no reception.

  It was agreed we would celebrate another time when Nathan had been discharged. I offered them my congratulations, gave them a huge smile, hugged them both and went home with the rest of the wedding party, leaving her in his arms giggling as he whispered what I knew to be dirty words in her ear.

  They were just as they should be, that at least made me smile. I could be happy for her, even in the midst of my own heartbreak.

>   I made sure to get in the car that Hunter drove, rather than John’s, and my mum made sure she managed to get in the same car as me. She clasped my hand tightly as we sped efficiently back to the Blackmores’ family home.

  ‘What’s going on, love?’ she whispered.

  ‘I don’t know… he’s pulled away and I just can’t seem to pull him back.’

  ‘I would advise to try your absolute hardest, fight with everything you have.’

  I looked at her and nodded. ‘I have.’

  ‘But when that has been done, all you can do is walk away. Re-energise yourself and give him some space. Come home with us, love. Let him come to his senses in his own time and he will see what he’s lost.’

  ‘Mum, he’s a proud man. He has lost so much in his past, I’m not sure anything here and now in the present or the future will even make an impression on him.’

  ‘Oh, my love, you do put yourself down. I have seen the way that man looks at you, he looks at you like a starving man looks at his next meal. If he loves you like I’m sure he does, he will come to find you.’ She placed my hand down on her lap and patted it with her other one, offering me some encouragement.

  ‘What if loving someone simply isn’t enough?’ I whispered to the window, watching my fears mist up the clean glass, as we sped past the trees outside.

  I had packed and unpacked my clothes more times in the last few weeks, than I cared to think about. I placed the last few things that I owned in the new suitcase I had been given. My battered old holdall had been thrown away on board the ship as had my old underwear. So, I had to take some of the things John had bought me. I packed only underwear that I hadn’t already worn. I just couldn’t cope with re-living what we had done and what I had felt while wearing this pair or that pair.

  I had feigned a headache so I could come out here to do what was necessary. I knew everyone was back in the house celebrating Nathan and Bella’s marriage and it would give me time to do what I needed, for my own sanity.

  Beside John’s side of the bed I placed down the few words I had written him, the scrapbook I had finally finished, my wedding bands and the heart and pearl necklace that he had given me. The wedding bands had been so hard to take off, I didn’t know whether it was my reluctance to part with them or just because my fingers had swollen during the day. But what I did know was, it took every last piece of courage I had to do so. My hands shook as I placed them carefully down, listening to the clink they made when they hit home. It reminded me of him placing down his cufflinks when he undressed, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t go there.

  I had booked a taxi and knew I needed to go. I had asked that the taxi should meet me by the front gate. I didn’t want it rolling up the long gravel drive and announcing to the world that I was leaving. My mum and dad knew, as they had booked my standby ticket, and that was all I could cope with.

  I took one last sniff of a suit jacket he had hanging in the shared wardrobe, inhaling the smell of citrus that just followed him around, ran my hands over my lace wedding dress, fastened up the zip of my case as far as it would go and walked out of the room.

  I closed the door of the bungalow behind me and took one last look at the beautiful place I was about to leave. Slowly I walked up the drive feeling with every step more pain, as the vines of hurt crept their way once more around my pain-filled heart.

  It took me fifteen minutes to reach the end of the drive, and with each step my legs became heavier. I pressed the release key on the gate and let myself out, making sure the secure gate closed behind me.

  The taxi was already waiting.

  ‘JFK airport please.’

  ‘Yes, ma’am.’

  As soon as I spoke the words he sped off through the cover of the descending darkness. He concentrated on the road ahead and didn’t once glance at the small shivering form on his backseat, for that I was grateful. I needed the journey to compose myself, I refused to be a tearful wreck when we hit the busy airport. I was on standby at JFK, I hadn’t chosen to leave from the Hamptons as I wanted a chance of at least getting away within the next twenty-four hours and truth be told I needed a greater distance between me and the biggest, most painful decision of my life.

  I hadn’t seen Jasmin in quite a while. I looked around the room I was in and took in everyone in it. I knew what I must look like, stood leant against the wall with my arms crossed. I had seen one or even two glances in my direction as they tried to work out why the hell I wouldn’t stand down and come off duty.

  The truth was I didn’t know how to.

  Look at what happened now twice on my watch, I wasn’t having any more blood or death on my hands, I just wasn’t strong enough to cope with the guilt.

  But what about causing pain to the one person who had given me everything? Was I strong enough to deal with that?

  I had a quick count up of people in the room. I knew that Frankie had gone for a lie down, I’d watched Alex as he had swept her up into his arms earlier and carried her up the stairs. He had then gone into his office. The only person I couldn’t account for was Jasmin.

  I had watched her earlier at the wedding, every time she had looked at me I had managed to look away. I needed to make the break between us as clean as possible. She needed better than I had to offer. It fucking killed me to admit it, but not for the first time in my life, I knew I wasn’t good enough.

  I didn’t need my father to tell me again.

  I had always known it deep down.

  ‘John.’ I heard Alex over my thoughts and lifted my head to meet his gaze. ‘I think you need to come and see something.’

  ‘Fucking hell, now what have I missed?’ I muttered under my breath as I pushed myself off the wall.

  ‘Just come the fuck with me to the office.’ He shook his head at me as he walked away.

  I followed closely behind him and closed the heavy oak door behind me as I crossed the threshold. He was dressed in casual clothes now the wedding was over and he sat down on his leather seat behind the huge desk. I watched as in his usual way, he grasped hold of the edge of the desk and pulled his chair in closer. He pressed a button on a remote and the wooden partitioning on the far wall started to open, to reveal the large screen behind it.

  ‘The gate at the entrance to the property was opened an hour ago.’

  ‘WHAT?’ I roared, with less control in my voice than I wanted.

  ‘For fuck’s sake, calm down and just watch,’ he countered.

  I felt my nostrils flare as he put me in my place, but I managed to do as he asked.

  The security footage began its playback and I watched riveted as Jasmin let herself out of the gate. The camera we were watching from changed and now we were looking down from a camera set up high on the fence as it looked down at the entrance. Jasmin climbed into an awaiting taxi, the driver stowed her suitcase in the back and they pulled away.

  She’d left me. My plan had come to fruition and she had left me. I should be so happy. Why wasn’t I happy?

  ‘JESUS. H. CHRIST.’ It took everything I had to not punch something. Pain and anger ran side by side around my body.

  The pain was visceral. I walked closer to the huge screen and watched as the cameras changed several times. They followed the taxi until it was completely out of sight. I sat down on the nearest chair and placed my head in my hands, messing up and not caring that I did so, my once perfectly placed hair.

  ‘What the fuck have you done?’ I heard Alex question. ‘I thought you and I had this discussion on the plane back from California… John? You were going to let her in? Remember? You were going to get it all out in the open.’

  ‘I’m not good enough, she needs more than me. Look at what has just happened with Nathan? How the hell can I look after her? You know what happened with Amy?’

  ‘OK… I can only say this one more time.’ I watched as in exasperation he came around to the front of his desk and sat down next to me. ‘We have been friends, what… over ten years?’

  ‘
Eleven,’ I corrected.

  ‘Right… eleven. It was a family decision to bring Petrie along for Bella’s sake. Nathan and I made that decision, not you. Nathan being shot was not your fault. You know what happened to my family, what my bastard step-father put us all through. You also know how I lost men in Afghanistan due to a decision I made. I made a decision, that ultimately cost Frankie’s cousin and my best friend’s life. It’s been the hardest thing ever to move on from, but move the fuck on I have and look at what I have now, John! I have a wife who loves me more than anything, except perhaps ice cream at this very moment in time.’ I watched a small smile pull at the corners of his lips. ‘You, my friend, have to claw your way out from under the crap he has piled on top of you over the years, tell her the truth and move the fuck on with your life. You are the head of my security for a reason, I trust you with my whole family’s lives, and you know me well enough to know that doesn’t come easy to me.’

  His words travelled around the quiet room and I thought about all he was trying to say.

  ‘I know you’re right, but it was just easier to slip back into the old me, I just thought it would fucking hurt less.’ I placed my hands together in front of me and made my fingers touch concurrently. Eventually, I looked to the side of me where he sat.

  ‘How’s that fucking working out for you, and how do you think it’s fucking working out for Jasmin, right at this moment?... Don’t answer… I know the answer to that, John… I let Frankie go once, causing her so much hurt I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her, and that still won’t be long enough. And me… letting her go, well you watched, you saw what it did to me… it nearly fucking killed me.’ He sat shaking his head at the recollection.

  I stood up suddenly, plan in place.

  ‘Can I take the plane?’

  He looked up at me, nodding his head. ‘You can, on one condition.’