Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Page 24

  ‘Perhaps… if that father had any real feelings for his child, then the answer would be yes. But given that we are talking about you and I, I think the answer is no.”

  He continued to laugh and I very pointedly looked towards the watch on my wrist, the one his father had given me, when he accepted me whole heartedly into his life. I had only known my grandfather for two years before he passed away, leaving me at the mercy of the low-life sitting in front of me. My father had always wanted his own father’s watch, but it had been left to me instead. I knew it would cause him pain to see it there on my wrist. I wasn’t sure how a man as decent as my grandfather could have possibly sired such a bastard as my father. My grandfather had said politics had changed his son, he said he had learnt to step on anyone and everything he could to get ahead. I wasn’t sure, I knew I didn’t understand many people, but felt my father was by nature a cold-hearted bastard and it had nothing to do with the way he was brought up.

  “Have you told her about Amy, Jnr?” He had followed my move and countered with his attack, just like playing a game of chess.

  “Jasmin knows I was married before.”

  “Mmmm, but does she know how Amy died and why?”

  That was it, I snapped.

  Uncrossing my arms fast, I literally pushed my body up as close to his as I could without touching him, I had already seen some of his flunkies hanging around and if I touched him they would make their move. I could more than handle myself, but had a wife to get back to and a plane to catch.

  “Now see here, you old bastard, this is the last time I will ever allow you to get into my headspace, in fact it’s the last fucking time I ever want to see you. I’m building my own family… and it won’t include scum like you. Your grandchildren will never know you and neither will the woman who has my heart and soul. How does it feel to know that after all these years of giving me the very best you could come up with, that it has come to nothing? How does it feel to have lost this game that you seem to have taken such great sadistic delight in?”

  I pushed myself up and turned to walk away, only then noticing how much my father seemed to have aged since we had last met.

  “The trouble is, Jnr, you say I’ve lost my game, but we both know that you’re just not capable of being what she needs. Amy died because you didn’t care enough for her. How will your new wife fair with the fact her husband is incapable of being around normal people, that he can’t give her exactly what she needs? Ponder on that, Jnr. You just aren’t capable of having anything other than meaningless associations. Think on that before, once again, your detached behaviour threatens another woman’s safety.”

  I tensed up momentarily clenching my fists to my sides. I saw one of my father’s bodyguards push himself off the wall he had been inconspicuously leaning on. He started to move towards us. Although my blood was flowing through my veins like lava, it just wasn’t worth the grief it would cause.

  I placed my earbuds back in my ears and ran on, knowing he would watch my every move until I was out of sight. I didn’t deviate or alter my route, knowing he would take that as a signal that he had achieved exactly what he was here for. I could tell by my mind-set that he had once again managed to get in my head space but I refused to show that to him.

  I rinsed the soap off my body and stepped back into the steamy room. I had grabbed my suit on the way in and stood in the thick swirl of steam, unable and not wanting to see my reflection in the large mirror that dominated the smaller room. Using my established routine, I towelled myself off, then I dressed carefully making sure everything was exactly as I needed it to be. Once I was dressed in my shirt and trousers I made a circular movement on the mirror to clear a space in the condensation, so I could apply the product needed to keep my hair back and in place. Once I had finished, I shrugged my shoulder holster on and immediately let out a deep sigh. Luckily, the Blackmores had sent their private plane and I could continue to wear it. I placed my arms inside my suit jacket and stared at my reflection.

  My suit was on; my façade was back in place and I was ready once again to face the world. If only I could say the same about facing myself, when all I could see in the reflection in the mirror, was a scared lonely little boy staring back.

  When all was said and done, it had been a strange few days.

  Once again, we were in the Blackmores’ private plane, only this time we were flying west to California from the Hamptons. We were all on our way to spend some much-needed time with my sister Bella and Alex’s brother, Nathan. Nathan was racing on Sunday and we were going to support them both as their extended family.

  I sat up straight, stretched and looked around the plane, adjusting my position on the luxurious seat, just so I could lean more comfortably on the leather arm. I had absentmindedly swiped over a couple of pages of the book I was trying to read on my kindle and knew that I hadn’t read the pages properly and would have to go back. I lifted my head up from the book and looked around me. John was in a group of seats diagonally across the aisle from me, with Alex and another Blackmore brother, Scott, discussing whatever friends and business partners discuss. As yet, I hadn’t managed to catch his eye, and I so needed to. I needed reassurance from him with that small contact. I needed him to bestow his fantastic smile on me or proffer me a quick wink, but I knew he had been under pressure since our return and I didn’t want to come over as the needy wife. Frankie was next to me, she was only just within the safe parameters for flying, as she was heading into her third trimester, and under Alex’s ever watchful eyes she had fallen asleep almost as soon as we had taken off. Her aunty and uncle were directly opposite us, also asleep. Scott’s wife and young baby were in the only bedroom on the private plane.

  Listen to me! I couldn’t believe I was even on a plane with a bedroom and now I was saying “only”.

  Directly across the aisle from us was the youngest Antonescu brother, Petrie. I let my gaze wander over to him fleetingly, he was staring out of the window. Almost keeping his distance from us deliberately, or so his body language would have you believe. I wasn’t quite sure why he was coming with us, Alex had said something earlier about Bella being concerned about him. I had tried to get him into conversation, but he didn’t seem interested. I just wanted to talk to him to thank him for helping Bella all those years ago, but I hadn’t managed to get more than a few short words from him. I think he must have felt uncomfortable being with us after what his family had just tried to do to Bella and Nathan, and I could understand why.

  As I looked around the plane I found myself thinking back over our last few days. We had flown back from Rome to East Hampton airport, where it appeared the Blackmores had a private hanger for their plane. I had slept most of the flight, all our late nights and lack of sleep once we were in bed had caught up with me. John had sat quietly opposite me working away on his Mac. Occasionally, when I opened my eyes, I had found him watching me and he would offer me a small smile, then look away. He hadn’t discussed the confrontation he’d had with the man in the panama hat the day we left. I just hoped when he had finally thought on it enough that he would, as my mum had said secrets destroy the very best of relationships. But this was one he needed to tell me about himself, I wasn’t prepared to play games to get him to open up to me again, he needed to want to talk to me. Whatever it was, it was starting to build a barrier between us once again and it scared me to death.

  On a positive note, I had been thrilled to see Frankie, her happiness just seemed to rub off on everyone around her. Alex was as charming as Bella had claimed and you could see how much he worshipped her. Although she had always been Bella’s best friend, living in a small village meant she was also a good friend of mine. I was so happy to see how life had finally given her everything she deserved, a doting and it should be said panty-dropping gorgeous husband and every comfort in life. Alex was the first millionaire I had ever met, he didn’t disappoint. He wasn’t showy or ostentatious, but as down to earth as my next door neighbours were. Frankie
had shown me around their home, as once again John and Alex had closeted themselves away together to discuss business.

  In the Hamptons, we had stayed overnight in a small, but well equipped, guest bungalow in the grounds of the Blackmore family home. I had fallen asleep by myself as John, who was now back at work, had spent the evening de-briefing with Alex. When I had woken up the next morning I could see by the impression on the bed that he had been there at some point, but the bungalow was quiet when I had called out his name.

  The scent of his citrus body wash was the only comfort I could find.

  Reality, it seemed, was lonely. I longed to be back in Rome.

  Finally, we were on our way to California. I was relieved to be seeing Bella once again, but I couldn’t force down the ball of worry that had started to churn away inside of me. At first, I had put it down to my tiredness and then to the fact we were back in reality and that John had to work, but the further we travelled away from Rome, the more he seemed to be moving away from me.

  I felt sick with fear that he had changed his mind. I needed my sister more than ever while I tried to work out what was going on.

  I must have fallen asleep myself, somewhere between eating and worrying.

  ‘Jasmin.’ I heard whispered.

  My neck was being softly stroked by his dexterous fingers.

  Opening my eyes, I found John crouched down in front of me. He had changed into jeans and a T-shirt. A look that had him appearing younger than his years and one I had never seen on him before, he looked amazing. Although his face looked tired and stressed.

  ‘Come and sit with me?’ He stood up and offered me one of his large hands. I don’t think he had spoken as many words to me in one go in the last few days. I didn’t hesitate. I unfastened my belt, stood up and placed my hand in his, relishing the warmth I found there.

  He led me out of the group of chairs I had been sitting in and to a vacant row in front of us. We passed Alex in the aisle.

  ‘If you need me, I’ll be back here with Frankie.’ Alex spoke. I heard the words, but the expression on his face said another thing completely. His bright green eyes bored into John’s as they conveyed something unspoken between them. I saw John nod his head slightly at him and then he sat down quickly pulling me with him.

  I fell happily onto his lap, breathing in the smell I had missed, feeling his body adapt under me to “our” position, with me on his lap, tucked in to his large frame.

  He took a deep breath and his fingers played with the loose bits of hair that had fallen away from the twisted knot on the top of my head.

  ‘I’ve missed you, Jasmin.’

  ‘I’ve missed you, too… but I’ve been right here. I’m not too sure where you’ve been.’ My body was going into panic mode. I needed to push him to open up to me, but I feared just where it would take us. We were in a plane that wasn’t packed, but others were within earshot, thank God most of them were asleep. The only comforting thought was that he had pulled me onto his lap, just so he could feel our connection.

  ‘I’ve been working,’ he offered.

  ‘Yep… that I do know, but I’m sure you haven’t been working twenty-four hours a day? I think you’ve been avoiding me and I don’t like it, in fact I hate it. You’re beginning to scare me, John.’

  John crossed his right leg over his left underneath me, causing me to move against him. I knew it was a delaying tactic while his brain worked out how to answer me.

  ‘I’m sorry… you being scared and unhappy is not something I ever want to see. I’ve just had a few issues I needed to deal with.’

  ‘I’m your wife, John. We’re supposed to be there for each other to lean on in times of need. You can talk to me; you can always talk to me. That’s how relationships work.’ My voice filtered away in the air around us and fell into the silence. His fingers stopped rubbing my hair and he cleared his voice.

  ‘Hmm… The trouble is the relationship thing is alien to me… I’m trying to play catch up, but it’s hard. I feel so much for you in such a short time together, but there are some things I need to deal with myself fully before I can open them up to you. Things that I’ve made a damn good job of locking away.’ He stopped speaking and tutted, drawing a sharp intake of breath over his teeth. ‘My father paid me a visit our last morning in Rome.’

  I didn’t say anything, wanting him to continue and not wanting to admit to him that I had seen him with the man. At least that fell into place. I had seen him agitated by the conversation that was taking place.

  ‘I’m going through some issues in my head right now. Issues that he always seems able to pull up, whenever he decides to make a fucking appearance in my life.’

  ‘Are they things you can talk about?’ I lifted my head and placed a loving kiss on his lips, offering him my comfort and reassurance.

  ‘Some are, others I might need a while, as I still need to come to terms with them myself.’ His legs were jigging up and down beneath me in his agitation to have the conversation with me.

  ‘Can you tell me now?... the things you say you can discuss.’ I wanted anything from him. I needed to try to patch over what I felt was a widening gulf between us. I needed him to offer me something.

  ‘I think I’ve already told you about the way my father treated me as a child?’

  I picked up his large hand and weaved my fingers around his and brought his hand to my mouth and placed a kiss on his knuckles. I placed my head back down in the crook of his neck.

  ‘You have.’

  ‘Mmmm, well very stupidly I asked him to help me book the hotel we stayed in. So, he knew where to find me. He paid me a visit on our last morning just to remind me how I’m not normal… how I can’t offer you anything long term as I’m an unfeeling arsehole. He reminded me that I can’t give you what need. Basically, the bastard reiterated what I’ve been so afraid of… that I’m not capable of being the man you deserve.’

  ‘And you believe him?’ My voice was so small I wondered if he could even hear me. ‘You’re stronger than you believe, John. I only wished you could see what I see. I see your strength in the way you care for me, I feel your strength when your heart beats next to mine and I see the inner strength you have behind the pain in your eyes.’

  ‘I’m trying not to, Jasmin… I won’t concede defeat to the bastard, I’m fighting against everything he has ever tried to brainwash me with. But it’s hard. I know I need to let it go, but I’m not going to drag you down here with me…’

  ‘Alex knows, doesn’t he?’ I couldn’t lift my head to look at him again, I didn’t want him to see the fear that was written all over my face. I needed to compose myself before our eyes met again. I swallowed deeply, effectively swallowing down my anguish.

  ‘Alex and I have known each other for years, through the military. You share things about yourself when you’re in life-threatening situations. Alex, Brent and I were in Afghanistan at the same time, but that’s it… I’m not a sharing, caring sort of person… you may have already sussed that out? I’m a complicated man, a hard man to get to know and had I not met you, I would have just carried on, locked up in my insular cell. I thought that was being strong, locking myself away, but I was wrong. Opening yourself up to someone and showing them the real you, is the hardest fucking thing of all. You, my beautiful wife, have more strength than me.’ He let out a small embarrassed laugh.

  ‘I didn’t even know you had been in the services, let alone been to war.’ I hated the thought of the man I loved being in danger, but it was not so very different to the job he chose to do now, so it wasn’t a surprise. I very quickly realised that not only had being in the military made him the man I loved, the military had probably saved him, by taking him out of his father’s control. ‘We can work through it together. I just know we can. I can give you the time and space you need. If you can tell them, I know that one day soon, John… you’ll be able to tell me.’ The little speech of reassurance sounded so positive, I just wished I believed all the wor
ds I was trying so hard to convince him of.

  ‘I’ll try, Jasmin. God knows I’ll try… Anyway, we can’t break up, we can’t get divorced, married in a catholic country, marriage consummated.’

  I appreciated him trying to inject a bit of banter into our strained situation, but it didn’t work. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and there we sat. Neither of us slept again on the journey, too hung up within our own fears and undoubtedly our own pain.

  My little sister’s arms had never felt so good. I pulled her close to me as we stepped out of what seemed to be almost armoured Land Rovers, courtesy of the Blackmores, of course. Her happiness was radiating off her at being reunited with the man she loved and all seemed right with her world.

  ‘You so need to tell me what’s going on,’ she whispered in my ear as she looked over my shoulder at John.

  ‘Sure, just as soon as I’ve worked it all out, I’ll be sure to let you know.’ I shot a quick look at John myself. He raised himself up taller, in defence mode at our perusal.

  After we had all greeted each other and changed the rather smelly nappy that Scott and Ruby’s daughter had presented to us, the plan was for us all to split up as we spent time in the male and female groups, doing the things she and Nathan had planned.

  Girly shopping and pampering at the local spa was just what I needed. Time to turn off my brain, not to think and be in my own space. I only hoped John was finding the group activities with the men as therapeutic. Unfortunately, it meant being together on our own, was in very short supply. Hopefully, it would give him the time he desperately needed to sort out his own head, before fully letting me in. I felt like a fish out of water floundering around with my own thoughts as I latched on to everything he said and didn’t say, just pulling it apart and over analysing every detail, trying to gain a foot hold into his mind and the state of play with our marriage.