Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Page 23

  I watched as he turned his head towards me, no longer lost in his music.

  ‘Caxap.’ He placed his guitar down gently onto the tiled floor and patted his lap for me to come and sit down.

  Not thinking twice, I placed my arms quickly into the long sleeves of his dress shirt and scurried out to him. I placed my leg over his lap and sat astride him, so we were face to face. I inhaled the clean scent from his bare chest as I did so.

  ‘Sleep well?’ I questioned as I leant my forehead to his.

  ‘I always sleep better after making love.’ His deep voice and sentiment wrapped itself around my healing heart.

  ‘Me too,’ I whispered breathlessly back.

  His large hands came to either side of my face and he changed the angle of my head so he could place a loving kiss to my lips.

  ‘I love you, Sugar.’

  I opened my eyes and found his aqua pools staring at mine. I realised that everything my mum had previously said to me was true. I loved John with everything I had and I owed him the truth. No relationship stood a chance of surviving, with secrets creating a barrier between the people involved.

  Taking a deep breath and then swallowing, I answered his beautiful words.

  ‘I love you too, so very much.’ I watched as one of his huge smiles overtook the whole of his face, and as usual I felt lucky and privileged to have it bestowed on me. ‘I need to tell you something.’

  My eyes tried to look away from his gaze, but his hands held my head in place as he studied my expression closely.

  ‘I’ve said before, Jasmin, don’t try to pull away from me. Whatever it is that has you looking guilty enough for you to try to move away from me, I want you to be strong enough to stay right where you are. I want to hear whatever it is while you’re on my lap and in my arms.’ His hands left my face and moved gently down to my neck, softly his long fingers caressed my pulse points. I knew he always tried to gauge my feelings by connecting with me there and right now he must be able to feel the utter panic pulsing around my body, as my heart was now hammering so hard and fast I could barely think over the din it was creating in my ears.

  ‘When I was eighteen I found out I was pregnant… I thought I was in love with the father… but I was wrong, the feelings I had for him were nothing like the feelings I have for you.’ I stopped and took another deep breath. Give John his due he didn’t even flinch, he did however momentarily close his eyes and inhale. When his eyes re-opened, I didn’t find any judgement or condemnation there, the only movement from him was the slight stroke his fingertips made on my neck and I noticed that every single muscle on his torso had flexed. Absentmindedly, I ran my index finger over his bare abs.

  ‘I was only a few weeks pregnant when, after feeling unwell for a couple of days, I started to miscarry.’

  ‘Oh God, Jasmin.’ John moved one hand away from my neck and placed it at the base of my bare spine, pulling me further into the protective hard shell of his body.

  ‘My gran took care of me, well her and her boyfriend Stan.’

  ‘Where was the father?’ His anger was palpable. ‘Why didn’t he help you?’

  ‘He wasn’t around, he didn’t want to know me after I got pregnant.’ A huge gulping sob fell out of my mouth. ‘He didn’t choose me and he didn’t choose us.’

  He pulled me in even closer to his body and wrapped his arms tightly around my body.

  ‘Sshhh… it’s OK… I choose you, do you hear me? I choose you and I choose us.’ His hand started to rub my back with a soothing circular motion and I rested my forehead down onto his warm shoulder. I had to summon the courage to tell him the rest and in doing so possibly push him out of my life forever. When my sobs had quietened and I could finally take in some breaths of calming fresh air I lifted my head away from his shoulder, bestowing a kiss onto it as I did so. I adjusted my position on his lap and lifted my eyes to his.

  ‘That’s not all, John. You probably won’t want to make the same choice after I tell you.’ His face clouded over and he shook his head strongly in disgust at my accusation.

  ‘It gets worse, much, much worse. That was only the start of my heartbreak… my gran and Stan took me to a nearby maternity hospital where the midwives cared for me as my baby left my body… the pain was unbearable, but I felt I deserved it. Many times, I had wished my pregnancy away, someone somewhere had heard me and granted my dark, immature wish.’ I stopped talking and let my guilt wash over me for probably the millionth time. I could hear myself re-telling my story but I felt detached from my voice. It seemed that a long time ago I had separated my heart from the tale, just so I could carry on semi-living. Rehashing it to the love of my life, made every single cell on my body cry out silently in its pain.

  ‘Eventually, they realised it was more than just a miscarriage. As if just having a miscarriage wasn’t bad enough…’ I shook my head as the memories of that day came crashing back into the forefront of my mind. ‘They called for an ambulance and rushed me to the local emergency department. I remember being very young, scared and heartbroken as the ambulance drove at a terrifying speed to get me to the hospital.’ I stopped speaking for a moment as my feelings rushed over me again, making it difficult to get anything coherent out of my mouth. John still said nothing, he knew there was more and he waited patiently for me to continue. His hands didn’t break our connection and he continued to offer his reassurance through his fingertips.

  ‘My gran held on to my hand the whole time, she wouldn’t leave my side, but the look on her face said it all. She couldn’t help take the pain away and she couldn’t save her great grandchild. After we had been at the hospital for a while and they had looked further into what was going on, they rushed me down for an operation, to remove my… my other baby.’

  A sound left my mouth now like a wild animal in pain.

  I couldn’t carry on, the noises leaving my mouth were making it impossible to continue any form of conversation. John pulled me back into his embrace and held me while my body shook in his arms and I sobbed onto his shoulder. When my tears had subsided, he spoke for the first time.

  ‘I’m so sorry for what happened to you, if I ever meet the bastard that left you like that I… well I won’t be held responsible for my actions.’

  ‘There’s more, John… I’m sorry but there’s more.’ Tears ran silently down my face and dripped onto his bare chest.

  ‘Come on… get it out, it’s OK, I’m right here.’

  ‘I’m unlikely to ever get pregnant again. I had what they call a heterotopic pregnancy. One of the twins was growing outside of my womb, in one of my fallopian tubes, and was never going to be viable. If that wasn’t bad enough… that’s what caused my body to reject the possibly viable one. That’s what caused the miscarriage. The emergency operation to remove the damaged fallopian tube caused an infection and too much scar tissue.’

  ‘The scar… The one just above your pubic bone.’ He wasn’t questioning me; he was just letting me know he had noticed it.

  I tried to move in his arms, uncomfortable at my revelation and the feelings it had conjured up inside of me. I wanted, no needed, to give him some distance away from me so he could have some space, but both of his arms wrapped around me now and he increased his grip on my fidgeting form.

  ‘I have scars inside and out… I can’t give you the family you want, John… you’ll never know how sorry I am, and how gutting that is for me to admit. I love you and I want to give you everything you want and deserve, but I can’t… I was told it was very improbable I would ever conceive due to all the scar tissue on the one remaining fallopian tube. I want to be a mum; I want to watch as my body grows as it carries your children. I want to be the woman who gives you what your heart desires, the family you crave. Our children would be beautiful, John, and you would make the most fantastic dad… and I’m an expert on those… I just see it inside of you. I needed to tell you, before we leave here. You need all the facts so that you can decide. I understand if this isn’t t
he marriage you’re looking for… I’ll hate it… but I will let you walk away to get the life you deserve.’

  He still didn’t move, he just held me. Together we sat on the beautiful terrace in the early warmth of the sun.

  ‘You’re forgetting one thing, Jasmin. I don’t do facts anymore… I do feelings, but I only do feelings with you… I don’t deserve you and yet here you are, sitting on my lap looking gorgeous in my shirt.’ He ran one hand over my bare bottom cheek, the other swept the hair out of my face and hooked it back behind my ear. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I want everything with you, I want to experience the whole thing that love and marriage has to offer. I love you and want children with you… but we have other options, don’t we? Our dreams don’t have to end here, but know that even if they did… I’d still choose you, Caxap. All I know is I want and need to be with you, anything and everything else would just be a bonus. I’ve marked you and don’t you ever forget it… Our marriage is irrevocable!’

  I moved my position on his lap. I now sat sideways and cuddled in closer to his body, placing my head in its normal place under his chin. I enfolded him in my arms, taking in all the facts he had presented to me. I moved my hand, placing it over his heart and closed my eyes feeling its constant, regular and comforting beat.

  ‘We could adopt, John?’ My head leapt up to look at him once more.

  ‘Yes, we could. God knows we have enough experience between us to offer some needy children a great home.’

  ‘Yes, yes we do.’ I placed my head back down in the crook of his neck and smiled to myself. I had never felt more content with my life. I had told him my deepest, darkest secret and he had accepted it without the slightest hesitancy, and hesitancy was what I had been waiting for. If I’d have seen it or felt it, I would have done the right thing and simply walked away.

  I placed the last few bits into my suitcase, patted it down and zipped it up. Standing up straight I looked around our beautiful bedroom, remembering all the things that had happened between us in these few rooms.

  John had gone for a run, he liked to keep to a routine and who was I to stop him?

  We had forty-five minutes before we were picked up and taken to the airport. We had decided to eat brunch there, as our earlier conversation had eaten into our already planned-out morning. I moved from room to room just checking we hadn’t forgotten anything and took a quick look at the antique clock on top of the marble fireplace in the bedroom. John was running a bit late and I knew he still needed to shower and change. Instinctively I walked out to the terrace. I had dressed in accordance with the hot day in Rome and John had told me that the Hamptons was going to be even warmer. Stood looking over the ancient wall on our terrace I couldn’t see John in the piazza below, but I could make out what I thought was his voice. It wasn’t a tone of voice I recognised as his, but I was sure it was him. I leant further over the ancient terrace wall.

  I smiled to myself as I caught sight of him, dressed as normal in only a pair of running shorts with his body glistening from his exertions and his sunglasses on top of his head. His posture was tense and he seemed to be talking… no, talking was inaccurate… he was having a very tense conversation with someone sitting at one of the small tables put out for people to sit at and enjoy a coffee. I leant as far forward as I could manage, my heart was going bananas after my previous encounter on board the ship.

  I could just make out that it was a man that John seemed to be having words with, a man who was smartly dressed and completely calm and collected. John however was getting increasingly irate, he was moving from foot to foot as he stood glowering at the man who sat in front of him, he had his arms folded over his bare chest in classic defensive mode. Finally, he seemed to snap and as fast as I had ever seen him move he uncrossed his arms and placed one hand on the table, making the man’s coffee leap in its cup and spill over, the other hand he placed on the back of his chair. The man was confined between what looked like a furious John and the brick wall behind him, in effect two brick walls. I pushed myself as far as I could cope with, to watch the strange exchange taking place, but couldn’t hear or make out what the was going on.

  As quickly as it had started, the exchange stopped and John continued his usual path, completing his run back to the hotel. I didn’t want him to know I had been spying on him, so knew I needed to be quick. I took one last look at the man who was now sipping at what was left of his coffee like nothing had happened. I was just going to pull away from my awkward position when he stood and turned. I watched dumbfounded as he looked straight up to the terrace and doffed his cream panama hat to me.

  I leapt back into the apparent safety of the French doors.

  Who the hell was that?

  A noise behind me made me jump.

  It was the click of the bathroom door as it shut.

  John was back in the suite, but he hadn’t spoken to me. I couldn’t help the shivers of fear as they ran up and down my spine. Something felt very wrong.

  The water cascaded down my tired, sweaty body, cleaning and refreshing my skin, but it did nothing to refresh and cleanse my mind. The confrontation was still running through my head. I had always been one to over analyse, especially when it had anything to do with my father.

  He loved his mind games and took an almost sadistic pleasure in watching how he could affect me with just his words or tone of voice.

  Why he still wanted, no, why he needed to hurt me anymore was beyond me?

  I shook my head from side to side under the wide nozzle of the shower head, feeling the strong spray of water blast into my face and tried to dislodge the thoughts that now cluttered up my conscious.

  My run had been fantastic right up until those final few minutes, but then he always knew just when to get at me, just when to attack. He couldn’t stand me ever having one shred of happiness, not even the slightest bit of pleasure. He was one sick fucker; he took his greatest ever amusement in making sure my life was as empty and painful as he could make it.

  He took gratification in making me feel vulnerable.

  The small boy in me hated him, but God knows I had tried so hard to love him, and tried so hard to get him to love me. When you’re young you need someone to love you, hell, we all need someone to love us, however much we try to convince ourselves otherwise. Emotional abuse is the very bottom of hell to live in and through. Night after night I had cried myself to sleep wondering how to please the only parent I had left. I convinced myself over and over as I fell asleep on a pillow wet with my own tears, that the next day I would do better, I would try so much harder, and sometimes it even worked for a few hours. But when you can’t please the one person who you have left, because every time he twists, turns and changes what he wants from you and then doesn’t hold back in letting you know just how much you let him down daily, you are left with nothing. The cold, cutting words thrown at me, after my constant failure to please, left me lonely, isolated and completely confused.

  The mature man in me just hated him, but I hadn’t up until now been able to completely sever all ties to him, my sense of family loyalty had been instilled in me by my mama and the bastard knew it. That was the constant he had always fallen back on; he knew I would do anything to please my mama. He had played me like a fiddle and no matter how hard I had tried he still affected me, and I fucking hated it. The fact I hated it, but up to now had been reluctant to pull away from him completely, was his greatest tool.

  It had to change and I needed to change it fast.

  Jasmin must be wondering what the hell was going on. I would just have to say I was rushing to get ready with our impending time constraints.

  ‘JESUS. FUCKING. H. CHRIST!’ I slammed my palm up on the marble wall in front of me. The pain shot through my arm immediately, but it did nothing to stop the whirring in my head.

  Why the hell had he brought up Amy?

  For fuck’s sake, I knew why. I went over the conversation in my head. I was on my usual route and had only the two corners of t
he piazza left to do before I was back with the woman I loved. I had gone over and over mine and Jasmin’s earlier conversation. I was sad for her and for me. But also in a very small way relieved, even though that brought with it a huge sense of guilt. I longed to see her grow heavy with my child, but after what had happened before with Amy, I was almost too scared to watch it.

  Too scared?

  What an arsehole I was? Jasmin deserved better than me, that was for sure, but then I had always known that.

  The responsibility of being the husband of a pregnant woman had been taken out of my hands, perhaps it was for the best?

  Once again, I replayed the conversation I had just had with my father.

  The music in my ears was blasting as I took the penultimate corner of my run, when suddenly in my peripheral view a chair moved out, blocking my path. I pulled out one of my earbuds and looked at the person in front of me. My heart pounded as I recognised the figure directly in my path.

  “Hello, Jnr.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks and quickly glanced up at the terrace, just to see if Jasmin was there watching.

  “Won’t you sit? Have a drink with me?”

  “No thanks, I have a plane to catch.”

  “Oh yes, of course you do. Going back to America with the ‘new’ Mrs. Edwards, aren’t we?”

  “I won’t answer that, I’m sure you’ve already had your spies on my case, checking to see what my next move is.”

  He laughed and I watched as he took a sugar sachet from the bowl in the middle of the table and began to turn it around, tapping each corner lightly on the table as he did so.

  “What do you want?” I questioned, just needing to get this conversation over and done with.

  “Want, Jnr. I’m not sure what you mean. Can’t a father pop by to wish his son all the very best after hearing that he has married for the second time. Especially as it’s the second time I wasn’t invited?”