Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Read online

  I touched the green phone icon to answer the call and stepped into the shower cubicle to try and mask our conversation so John could hopefully sleep on.

  ‘Bellaboo… I am SO happy to hear your voice. Are you OK? I can’t believe all of this. Please tell me you’re safe?’

  ‘Hi, Jassy.’ Her voice washed over me, I relaxed immediately and sat down on the floor of the shower. ‘Yeah I’m good… a bit bloody scared, but good… I’m with Nate.’

  ‘I know. John told me.’ I was so relieved to hear her laugh.

  ‘I’m glad he’s with you, he’s a great guy. He’s good at his job…please listen to him, I know just how stubborn you can be. I need to know you’re all OK… I’m so sorry, Jassy.’

  I heard her voice tremble with emotion and knew she was going to start crying, being unable to comfort her from so far away hurt.

  ‘Hey, Bella… none of that, we’re fine. There are some guys on board that the security team are watching closely, but we’re all safe. You just need to concentrate on you and Nathan… from what I’ve heard from my new husband, the Blackmore’s…’ I was interrupted by an almost scream from her as I managed to effectively wallpaper over the emotions that were threatening to escape us, by throwing that in to distract her, and it did the job.

  ‘YOUR NEW WHAT?’ I moved the phone away from my ear and smiled at her outburst.

  ‘Yeah, well apparently MY… NEW… HUSBAND, John,’ I accentuated the words knowing I had her attention, ‘needed the ultimate cover to be on board… we married within two hours of him arriving… so here I am playing the blushing bride. When quite frankly the man that seems to be almost permanently attached to me is getting on my tits. All the parents keep saying is “It’s obviously essential for our safety, Jasmin. Surely you can manage to pretend to be in love?”’ I knew I had twisted my mum’s words around to suit me and mimicked her posh voice. I also hadn’t given her the truth about what was going on with John. I didn’t want her to have anything else to worry about. I ended with something to make her laugh. ‘Well you can imagine it’s a right royal pain in the arse.’

  ‘I’m stunned. I’m struggling to find the words.’

  ‘It’s interesting I’ll tell you… and it was much against my better judgement… but he insisted it was necessary… I suppose it’s not been all bad.’ I couldn’t tell her of all the wonderful things he had thought of for our wedding or she would know I was smitten, so I lied and kept it light. I longed to share with her how I felt, but until I had it worked out in my head, she had enough to think about. I heard her exhale as she pondered my words.

  ‘OK! Sounds like a story there, sister of mine, you know how I love a good story.’ I heard her move around and then she added. ‘Jassy, look I’m sorry but I’ve got to go, we’ve got a hell of a journey ahead of us today, stay safe and make sure you all listen to your… husband. I’ll phone again soon. Love you lots, like jelly tots.’

  ‘Not as much as I love alcoholic shots,’ I returned our normal goodbye and our call ended. She was safe and all felt right with the world as I replaced my phone in my bag. I stood up and moved out of the shower, and quietly made my way out of the bathroom. I stopped once I was in the room and looked down at the bed. The man who was stealing my heart was lay on his back with one arm bent up above his head and both legs bent at the knees.

  How could anyone sleep like that?

  I smiled to myself as I clambered back in beside him as deftly as I could. John slept on, his regular breathing relaxing me as once again he rolled over in his sleep, his arm claiming me and pulling me tight to his chest. I closed my eyes and drifted away.

  Two days later

  Sitting out on our balcony, I watched with excitement as we began to pull into the port of Genoa. I had my sketch book on my lap and had broken open my new tin of pencils. Putting pencil to paper I began to sketch the little bits of the bustling port that caught my eye. John sat next to me and he quietly strummed away on his guitar, he hadn’t played properly in my presence but I hoped that one day soon he might. I looked up from the brilliant white paper, which gleamed under the sun’s rays and took in the man who sat companionably beside me. It had been a strange couple of days, he was slowly starting to relax with me. I could see the barricade he had built up starting to crumble and the man who was enclosed behind it was starting to appear, he was quite simply everything I had ever wanted. Sure, he had his quirks, his OCD seemed to be second to none, but I felt I could happily accept them all, just to have his strength beside me.

  Beside me, was somewhere he seemed to want to constantly be, and I loved it. He often reached out to connect with me, whether we were on our own or in company, and he made my heart full to bursting just with the slightest touch of his hand. Every time we barely brushed I felt the magic between us.

  I knew that after three days I was falling in love with him, however stupid and ridiculous that was, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  A knock at our door brought me out of my daydreams. John put down his guitar gently and made his way to answer it. I watched as he moved away from me. He was wearing brand new, blue sweat shorts that were made to look old and worn. I had convinced him he needed some more casual clothes and he had let me choose as we browsed the shops yesterday. They looked great on him, hanging down low on his hips, accentuating his very well defined V. With my mouth watering, I watched his fine arse as he walked away. It brought back earlier memories of sinking my nails into his hard muscles as he had pounded into me. It seemed the man was insatiable. I felt a smile take over my face and I stopped myself just short of releasing the girlie giggles that wanted to erupt out of my mouth. He reached the door and after peering into the spy hole he swung the heavy door open wide. Brent stepped in as soon as a gap appeared.

  ‘John, we’ve got them. They’ve unknowingly handed themselves to us on a plate.’ I watched as the two men clasped their hands together, in greeting and pride.

  ‘Jasmin, did you hear that?’ He spun around questioning me.

  I re-entered the room clasping my pad and pencils to my chest, trying to protect my heart. ‘I think I did... So, it’s over?’ I questioned, wondering if the noise of the sea had made me hear what I wanted to and not what he had said.

  ‘I’ll need to go and listen to the recording with Brent, but it seems that way.’ He moved towards his chest of drawers, pulled out a polo shirt and casually threw it on over his head, not even caring that he wasn’t quite as put together in his choice of outfit as he would normally have been. When his head appeared through the top he was wearing a broad smile of satisfaction. ‘I’ll be back soon, get your family together, hopefully it will be good news.’ He disappeared through the door and I sunk down on the bed.

  Sure, I wanted them caught, but where did this leave us?

  I knew I was being a selfish bitch but I couldn’t get rid of the thought. In the last couple of days, we had shared our bodies many, many times. We had shared jokes, companionship and laughter. I felt like he was bestowing his greatest gift on me by allowing me in to see his personality, a personality that I had only previously seen glimpses of. But never had we shared our secrets, nor had we discussed what would happen once the time for pretence was over. It had been there with us, but neither of us had wanted to bring it out into the open and into the comfortable existence we had found with each other. The cold feeling of dread washed over me. Sadness seeped into every part of me and I was scared, more scared than I had been in years. I turned my false wedding rings over and over on my finger.

  The phone in my cabin started to ring and it startled me out of my trance. I fell backwards onto the bed and flung myself towards the object, just managing to stretch and lift it from its hook. I placed it to my ear.

  ‘Have you heard, Jasmin?’ came my mum’s excited voice. ‘Open your door we’re coming around.’ I replaced the phone and moved as if by automation towards the door and opened it. My parents must have run around and burst through the opening immediately,
they waited until the door closed and pulled me to them.

  ‘At last we’re getting somewhere.’ My dad sighed and released his tight hold over us.

  Pulling myself gently out of their arms, I moved away slightly.

  I watched as my dad started to pace the room as he waited for the news he had begun to crave. My mum, however, refused to take her eyes off me, making creases appear on her forehead as she tried to read my mind just by taking in the expression on my face. Her hand lifted and she cupped my cheek.

  ‘Tell me,’ she whispered, running her thumb over my cheek bone. I closed my eyes and leant my cheek a little into her warm hand. Re-opening my eyes, I looked deep into hers, they were almost a match for my own, our amethyst eyes ran in the family. I shook my head, my lips thinned into a very bad attempt at a smile.

  ‘Why don’t you sit on the balcony, dear?’ my mum asked my dad, with the certain tone of voice she used with him that let him know not to ask questions. ‘You will wear a hole in the carpet while we wait, if you carry on like that.’

  Dad stopped pacing and looked at us both quizzically. ‘Good idea, the view might occupy my mind.’ He walked out on to the balcony and slid the door closed behind him.

  ‘Tell me, Jasmin, are we bad parents?’ my mum asked as she sat down on the corner of my bed. Her words drove a spike into my heart as I took in her dejected body language. She was, as always, immaculately turned out, but her frame seemed to have shrunk into her extremely well fitting clothes. I shook my head vehemently and sat down quickly as close as I could get next to her, grabbing her hands in mine.

  ‘NO… of course not!’

  ‘Then tell me, why is it my children never seem to want to confide in me?’

  I sighed audibly, accepting her hurt and recognising that I had unwittingly helped to make her feel this way.

  ‘I know that Bella hated the idea of hurting you and dad and that’s why I was sworn to secrecy not to tell you what happened to her…’

  Her head turned quickly around and she stared into my eyes. Removing her hands from mine she cupped my face in her small, gentle hands, interrupting me. ‘And you, Jasmin… why would you not share your worst moment with me?’

  Oh, my god, she knew!

  Swallowing and taking in a deep breath I looked at her. My heart beat frantically in my chest. Pain and panic began to rise. I raised my hands up to clasp hers tightly for strength and then I brought our conjoined hands back down to my lap, squeezing her as I did so.

  ‘Gran told you?’

  ‘Just before she died… she wanted you to have someone you could talk to about your past.’

  I pulled my hands away from hers and brought them to my face as I felt the tears beginning to prick at the back of my eyes.

  ‘I’m not ashamed of you, Jasmin. We love you… your dad and I are always here for you. You must know that… Please tell me you know that?’ Her voice started to break with emotion.

  I nodded in answer, not being able to respond to her verbally.

  ‘We love all of you, unconditionally. We would have loved your babies, we would have happily brought them into our lives and loved them, like we love you three. Did you think we would turn you away? Did you think we would judge you?’

  I shook my head in response to her question. ‘NO… of course not! I just couldn’t do it to dad, mum… he took me in and gave me everything. I couldn’t be the one who paid him back by bringing my history full circle and throwing it back in his face. That’s why when… when it happened, I turned to gran. I’m sorry I never meant to hurt or exclude you.’ I spoke into my hands.

  I felt as my mum started to prise my wet fingers away from my face.

  ‘Look at me.’

  Slowly I lifted my head and saw her face was as wet with tears as my own was.

  ‘I was never ashamed when I got pregnant with you. You’re one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was destroyed to find out that your biological father didn’t want us. But I found such an all-consuming love with your dad, he gave us everything he had, emotionally, mentally and physically he was there for us. Under your dad’s care and attention, I realised that was your father’s loss and our gain. But I need to know, have we ever made you feel different to Bella and Jack?’

  ‘No, mum. Neither of you have… it was… it was just I didn’t want to bring the same thing to dad’s door. I never wanted him to feel sorry for accepting me as his own.’

  ‘You are mine.’ A voice I hadn’t been expecting interrupted our emotional conversation. ‘From the moment I fell in love with your mum, I fell in love with you as well. You came as a package, your mum made that very clear on our first date and I was the proudest and happiest man in the world the first and every subsequent day she made me a dad. I don’t know what’s going on here with you two, my best girls, and for the moment I won’t ask, but never doubt that I love you as my own, Jasmin… Simply because you are.’

  ‘I love you too, dad.’

  ‘I know… I’ve always known, from the minute your tiny fist grabbed onto my little finger and you looked at me with those almond shaped eyes.’ He crossed the few steps over to us and lifted my face to look at him. ‘Never doubt that I love you, sweetheart. Never question that the love I feel for you has any conditions on it.’ He placed a soft kiss to the top of my head and walked away, leaving me to my mum.

  I heard the sliding door pull across on its rails as he retreated to the balcony again. A few silent minutes passed.

  ‘It must have been awful, Jasmin, to lose them?’

  A large audible sob came out of my mouth. Wrenching a hand away from my mum’s I covered my mouth, trying to effectively put a lid on my emotions.

  ‘Yes… I loved them, I loved them so much… it almost broke me. Losing him was sad at the time, but he didn’t want us. I wasn’t going to stop him leaving, although I did at one point beg. I’ve only ever begged once in my life and I’ll never do it again. He was convinced that we would hold him back, so I let him go. His job meant more to him than we did. You’ve been such good parents to us three, that I knew I wouldn’t be happy for my children to take second place. I let him go and he ran away, as fast as he could. Never to look back. He never contacted me again. I could have his children and he wouldn’t even know if they walked past him in the street. That’s not the sort of dad I had and I never wanted that sort of dad for my own children.’ I had to stop speaking as my body had started to shake with the release of all the years of pent up emotions and hurt. Taking a deep calming breath, I carried on. ‘I would have told you about the pregnancy… but it was early days and I was trying to find the right time. When I started to lose them, it seemed… well it seemed so unnecessary to tell you and dad. I just didn’t want to be the cause of bringing hurt to our door.’

  I could see her very gently nodding in understanding at my outpouring and I had never loved her more.

  ‘It was Caine, wasn’t it?’ she questioned.

  I nodded my head, letting her know she was correct. Caine had been a young locum my dad had taken under his wing for his first year out in general practice. He was the first boy I had ever thought I loved. Now, I knew differently. Perhaps love changes with age and experience? Because this time the love I felt for John was different, the love I felt for John was beginning to feel like everything, it was like my whole body and soul needed him, I needed to be with him and to be loved by him in return. So, maybe it had only been teenage infatuation at the time?

  I now knew that I loved a man who was mature and, I hoped, confident in his own life. I also hoped that maturity would bring a different outcome.

  Our conversation came to an end, but happily our emotional connection remained. We were mother and daughter, but we were also two women who had suffered rejection and had found better, stronger men who deserved them. I let a sigh of relief slip from my lips.

  My mum placed an arm around me and pulled me tight to her side as we cried quietly together. I placed one hand on my lower stomach and
caressed where my babies had once been. She in turn held me, her baby, tight.

  ‘You need to tell him what’s happened to you, secrets will prise the strongest relationships apart. You need to open yourself up to him. I’ve watched you for far too many years, Jasmin, closing yourself off and locking yourself away with your guilt and your hurt. You must get it out in the open and put it behind you. Please, darling let him in… let him love you. I believe strongly that if two hearts are meant to be together, they will find each other. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, what they have to do, or how challenging it can sometimes seem. Fate will bring them together. But only honesty and hard work will make them stay that way.’

  ‘I’m falling in love with John, mum. But I won’t beg him to stay when this is all over. He must want to be with me… I just couldn’t take the rejection again.’

  I knew she had heard, as her grip on me tightened as she silently offered me her strength.

  The shower was cleansing as I let the warm water run over my body. Crying was cathartic but extremely tiring. However, it felt good to know that when I felt low I could now talk to my mum. My gran had always known what was for the best, even from beyond the grave she was still helping me out, with her wise thoughts and words.

  I ran my soapy hands up and down my body and for just a minute I let them trail over the small almost insignificant scar that was just above my pubic mound. It was one of the reasons I had never wanted to be completely bare down below. I didn’t want the scar to be visible to anyone else, but me. I knew it was there, as well as the scars I carried inside my body and those that wrapped themselves like barbed wire around my heart. The scars proved to me that my babies had once existed and I was almost, at times, grateful for them.