Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3) Read online

  ‘Agreed.’ He stood now and looked at me. ‘Now tell me how you intend to walk away from my sister at the end of this without tearing out her heart in the process?’

  ‘We are grown adults, Jack. We already have an agreement.’

  ‘Right… Be warned, I won’t have another sister hurt. I won’t hesitate to hunt you down and tear into those good looks of yours until you’re unrecognisable.’

  A small smile began to tease the corner of my mouth. ‘I think we understand each other.’ I walked towards the cabin door. ‘Brent will come by and brief you. I’ll see you out there.’ I left the small space and started to make my way back to the cabin I shared with the only woman to ever cause feelings of jealously within me. I had stopped and leant against the wall in the empty corridor. I just needed a few solitary minutes to think.

  The thought of being jealous scared me, I didn’t know what the fuck it meant and the worst of it was I wasn’t sure I was man enough to find out why.

  What the fuck was she doing to me?

  Piece by piece I could feel the walls that I had surrounded myself with crumbling, and that made me feel fucking vulnerable.

  We had made small talk while they were both away. I was worried that their conversation would end in violence and had struggled to contain my fear. Finally, my cabin door opened and John appeared unscathed. I looked at him in question. He answered me silently by nodding that everything was OK.

  I stood up as everyone left. I needed to change into something I could swim in. I put that first and foremost into my mind and tried hard not to concentrate on anything else. So, we were going to put on a show for the blokes they wanted off the ship, that was what I needed to focus on now, not my ridiculous feelings for a man I hardly knew. The cabin was thrust into a piercing silence as John and I were deserted by everyone. I pushed myself forward towards my chest of drawers and bent over to examine the contents, placing my back towards my husband of not even one whole day.

  ‘I know this is hard for you, Jasmin,’ he spoke breaking the quiet.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I spat out, in a desperate bid to try and mask my feelings. I started to rummage around the drawer that now contained at least four new bikinis. Stupid really, as I knew exactly what I was going to wear. ‘I just need to get this over and done with, in order that I can go back to my life.’

  ‘You mean to your run-down cottage and your dog?’ he questioned, almost ridiculing me with his tone.

  ‘How DARE YOU? How dare you take the piss out of my life? I may lead a simple life, but I’m loved and know how to love in return.’ I spun around to face him, crossing my arms defensively across my chest. I had to do something with my hands in case I had the urge to reach out and touch him. I wouldn’t allow myself to do that now, unless we were play acting in front of others. It was going to help me to separate my feelings, I was sure of it. ‘At least I have Coco and my friends and family, who the hell do you have? Who do you allow in underneath your “suit” of armour?’ Thinking and moving quickly I threw open the large wardrobe doors with a flourish and with one hand I swept all his perfectly spaced out suits into the corner. I pushed the suits so hard that the one furthest away from me sprung off its hanger and fell in a dishevelled heap onto the floor. Briefly allowing my eyes to look at the mess, I took in that it was the suit he had married me in. As far as I was concerned that was perfect, I knew it was the easiest way to try and hurt him, to ruin his perfectly ordered life. I heard him swear under his breath. I sensed him fight the urge to rush over to pick up the crumpled fabric and tidy up the rest. Rushing back to my open drawer I swept up my chosen weapon in my hand and slammed the drawer shut with more vehemence than I had felt in a long time. I hurried towards the bathroom, stopping and grabbing the door frame to support me as I heard him speak.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jasmin. I never meant to hurt you… I thought we had an agreement. Fucking H Christ, I told you this could only ever be a one-time thing. I don’t do relationships. I don’t do emotions. I don’t do them because I’m fucking useless at them… it’s a known fact that I’m a danger to those I care for… believe me when I say, I’m not good enough for you, you deserve much more than I have to offer. I’m sorry but you need to accept that. You need to accept that it’s not you who’s at fault here, it’s me.’

  Without turning to him, because I just couldn’t cope with laying my eyes once again upon the man I knew so little about yet who I had stupidly laid my heart out to, I spoke. ‘Oh Jesus, is that the best you can do? It’s the “not you but me” speech. I know it’s you! I just can’t believe I was stupid enough to actually feel something for you. I know what we agreed before we had sex, but I couldn’t help it when my soul thought it recognised yours.’ I hung my head down as tears began to run down my cheeks. I cried with the pain of rejection and the fact I had been foolish enough to believe we had a connection.

  Once again, I had opened myself up to someone who didn’t want me. How could I have allowed myself to feel so much so quickly for someone who had only ever offered me a one-night stand? I wasn’t a pathetic woman, I stood on my own two feet. But I was so tired of standing tall and so bloody tired of being alone.

  When would I ever learn?

  I managed to pull myself together. I was never one for allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. For the sake of my family I knew I needed to get on with the job in hand and after throwing handfuls of water at my face and patting it down, I sorted out my emotions and put on my weapon; my old, white see-through bikini. I hated it, knowing I had others to wear now. I hated it, knowing that we were going to cause a scene outside, possibly drawing all eyes to us. Eyes that would be looking at me would be able to see almost all of my body, and what they couldn’t quite make out through the worn fabric would leave very little to the imagination. It was a day at sea, everyone was on board, we were going to have a large audience.

  But I knew he would hate it more. Feeling reckless and wanting to try to cause him some pain and discomfort, I had chosen it without reservation. I wanted to remind him what he was missing out on and what he had denied himself, the hideous bikini seemed the obvious choice. I placed my black sarong over the top, tied it around my neck and put my hair up high on my head. I then tidied up my make-up and left the mirrored bathroom with my head held high, refusing to be the broken tearful woman who had entered less than fifteen minutes before. It was a well-practised routine, one that I knew I could carry off.

  ‘Ok I’m ready.’ I spoke out loud but didn’t look around the room for him. I knew he was there but I needed to keep myself as detached as possible.

  ‘You’re sure you can do this? I’ve been thinking and we could do this a different way, I don’t want to cause you any more pain.’ His deep voice cut through my flimsy walls of defence.

  ‘Of course I can do this. I want you out of my life as quickly as possible. All of this in here was a mistake.’ I waved one arm around my beautiful cabin.

  I caught sight of him then, as he stood up from the end of the bed and came towards me. I watched as he walked closer to me and bit my teeth down onto my bottom lip as he dipped his knees to stare into my eyes.

  ‘I will never look upon what happened in here as a mistake, I will always look upon it with affection… the only mistake I made was causing you hurt, that I will never forgive myself for.’

  I breathed in the citrus smell that always seemed to permeate the air whenever he was around and flinched when it began to invade my nostrils. Side stepping him rapidly I removed myself from his personal space.

  ‘You can remove your horse-hair shirt. This mistake, like many others I’ve made, was all on me.’ Pulling myself up to my full height I looked back at him. He had turned to allow his gaze to follow me as I walked away from him. I allowed myself to take in this man for one final time. In some macabre way, I wanted to remember just how amazing he was. My eyes swept up and down. He was wearing black swim shorts, his large, tanned and muscular frame was incredible, but it was his
eyes that pulled me to him. How could someone with eyes like those, gorgeous blue-green pools that changed on an almost hourly basis with his mood, say that he had no emotions? It was beyond me, but in order to protect my heart from any more hurt I blinked and removed my eyes. I couldn’t allow myself to be reeled in again. It hurt too bloody much.

  ‘Let’s get on with it then.’ I went to stand by the door as he made a phone call informing the others that we were ready. Mentally I prepared myself for his touch.

  I heard him say a few words, probably to Brent, I wasn’t focussing on the words spoken. I was focussing on preparing myself for what was to come.

  ‘Ok, Jasmin, let’s go.’ For the first time, I heard tension in his voice.

  The deck was as busy as I had expected. It was buzzing with people from all different walks of life brought together for their holidays. The sun was out and I saw that once again it was another beautiful day, with bright blue skies and not a cloud in sight. We had come out through the double doors, hopefully looking like a couple in love. I had almost managed to separate myself from the part of my body that he had held within his large hand. Luckily, he wasn’t moving his fingertips like the last time he had held me in this way. In fact, I was certain I could feel him fighting inwardly not to allow his fingertips to move at all, but where we touched, my skin felt like it had been lit up like touch paper. I was sure that if heat-seeking equipment had been trained upon us, the only part that wouldn’t appear blue would be where his hand gently held my bare neck. I swallowed down my pain once again, as he stopped walking, wordlessly spun me around and pulled me close to his front, then dipped his head allowing his mouth to consume mine.

  The feeling of his lips on me was so good, the way he seemed to know what I needed, where I wanted to be nipped and sucked. He kissed me like he had been kissing me for years, and he kissed me like I was the only drug he would ever need. Our tongues did battle with each other’s as both of us tried to be the one in control. I was losing, it seemed his control was absolute. My body ignited under his attention and every previous thought of being aloof and protecting myself deserted me. I felt his kiss from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes as they literally started to curl, gripping on to my flip-flops. My arms instinctively made their way around his firm torso and I gripped his warm flesh with my fingers. I lost myself completely in our kiss, until it entered my head that he was kissing me goodbye. I pulled myself sharply away from him, swiftly raised my right hand and slapped his face with everything I had. It was done with so much force that my wrist immediately ached and my hand stung.

  John pulled away, but only by a few inches. His penetrative eyes stared deep into mine and his eyebrow raised, causing the crease above it that I so wanted to touch. He stared at me first in question and then in acceptance. His arms still locked around mine, unwilling or unable to release me. I could tell by the people around us that we had started to make the distraction needed. Our audience had witnessed our passionate kiss with a few “Ahhhs” and wolf whistles, then after the slap had reverberated around our area of the deck they had fallen silent.

  ‘Only once, Sugar, will you ever hit me.’ He spoke low and with force into my ear. I looked at his face, his right cheek was red as blood flowed to the point of contact, his eyes were wide with anger and his nostrils flared. He grabbed my guilty hand and brought it towards his face, where he proceeded to gently kiss my burning palm, which hurt me more than the previous sting. I watched as letting my hand go, he paid attention to his dishevelled appearance. He used the same hand that seconds before had held mine, to smooth back a couple of longer strands of hair that had fallen over his face.

  ‘It seemed the best way to cause a scene,’ I retorted, glowering at him and returning his stare with absolute conviction for my actions.

  Suddenly we were on the move. John released his arm from around me, but immediately grabbed hold of my still throbbing hand as he led me quickly towards a couple of vacant sunbeds. I followed like the passionate but violent little wife everyone now had me pegged as. He placed his sunglasses down on the cream mattress and pulled me to him in an embrace, one hand on the small of my back and the other trailing up my back, causing my body to immediately break out in goosebumps at the feelings he conjured up within me. When his hand reached my bare neck, he cupped it and forced my face to his.

  ‘I’m all for causing a distraction, Jasmin. I just prefer to do it in other ways.’

  His mouth came down to mine so slowly I felt myself gasping for oxygen as I waited. When our lips finally met after his slow, torturous descent, my body instinctively acted. I stood on tip-toes, raised my arms and flung them around his neck, holding on for dear life. He was going to be the death of me. I knew, like so many others in my past, he didn’t really want me. The only problem was, I wanted him badly. I knew that I was doomed to hurt and pain, but like the complete bloody idiot I now felt, I couldn’t help myself. The soft, loving kiss came to an end and keeping his eyes on mine he removed my arms gently from around his neck. He then swung me up into his arms and laid me carefully down on one of the luxurious sunbeds.

  I looked up at him, but I could no longer make out his features as he was stood blocking the sun, causing a huge shadow to fall over me. He picked up the sun cream and started to pour some into his hands.

  ‘You need to take off your wrap, Jasmin,’ he asserted.

  I felt heat consume my cheeks as I remembered exactly what I was wearing underneath it.

  Oh, well, here goes nothing.

  I sat up quickly with my legs still out in front of me and started to pull at the fine gauze fabric. Just before I lifted it off my neck I looked at the people around us, we had certainly caused a disturbance. We held a lot of people’s attention, some were blatantly staring and others were sneaking odd glances as they pretended to get on with their day. I could only imagine what we looked like, probably a bit like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, the passionate, “can’t live with or without each other” couple. I concentrated on the job in hand and removed my covering, unceremoniously throwing it to the floor beside his feet and then I adjusted my bikini top, making sure that what little flimsy fabric there was at least covered me in the right places. Glancing sideways I watched as literally every muscle on his body pulled taut as he tensed up, taking in my choice of swimwear. It was when his nostrils flared that I concluded I was in trouble.

  Unexpectedly he moved, falling to his knees by my side.

  ‘Turn over, now,’ he forced out through gritted teeth.

  For once I did so without arguing. I was beginning to feel that just maybe I had pushed him a step too far. Cold cream hit the small of my back, clearly put there for the biggest effect.

  ‘Arghhh, it’s cold… couldn’t you have warmed it in your hands first?’ I retorted loudly.

  I felt his face lower to my ear.

  ‘Couldn’t you have worn something less revealing? You’re my wife after all.’

  I knew John was trying to keep his voice down, but the anger with which he had just spoken to me made sure our fraught conversation was carried to the few rows of people around us. More cold cream was slapped onto the top of my legs and biting my lip I lifted my head, turning it to watch as his hands rubbed themselves vigorously over my skin. He was deliberately not rubbing the thick cream in, almost using the thick lard-like covering to camouflage my body against others’ eyes. I swallowed a giggle, I was slowly realising that I loved annoying the hell out of him more than I liked verbally sparring with him. I let him get on with it.

  Turning my head in the other direction, I placed my sunglasses over my eyes and looked towards the bar. I could see Brent and Jack talking to a couple of men at the bar.

  Hopefully that was them?

  I looked at some of the other passengers that were caught up in our performance, a single man caught my eye and tipped his chin at me in a conspirators’ nod. I removed my gaze, unable to concentrate and tried to relax into the feel of John’s hands on
my body. It appeared that he had calmed down now and was rubbing the sun cream into my flesh with more tenderness than before.

  I was so full of mixed emotions; lust, anger, want and hurt were but a few. I needed this to be over but also dreaded never having him near me again. My heart had unfurled, screaming at me that it wanted him. To have that feeling unreciprocated once again, was almost too much to bear.

  I had never felt so amateurish in the whole of my goddamn adult life. Being the ultimate professional and in charge was how I worked, it was my barrier against living. I understood that. I was far, far from stupid, but it worked for me, most of the time.

  What the hell was happening to me?

  I watched mesmerised as my hands, acting on instinct, relented and started to rub the thick layer of cream into her warm, tender flesh, the cream that I had initially applied to cover up her flesh from prying eyes. All we’d had was one night together, but my hands recognised almost every curve and dip on her body. Her skin was relinquishing to my touch and reacted accordingly to my administrations. I watched as her body, despite the warmth of the day, broke out into goosebumps wherever my hands had been and the tiny hairs on her skin raised up in welcome to my fingertips. The feelings that entered my body through my hands when I touched her, seemed to be strong enough to break through the cocoon that I had weaved around myself years before. The cocoon that was so multi-layered I had deemed it to be impenetrable, until now.

  What was it about her? How could one woman fucking affect me like this, when everyone else I encountered were just mere props and scenery?

  I ran it through my mind as I rubbed my hands over her smooth and pliable skin. I fucking loved the way she stood up to me and sparred with me, it was so fucking hot. She was a wildcat. I felt her constantly trying to take the control away from me. It wasn’t a game she could win, as I was the absolute master of control, but it made my blood boil with lust when I felt her try.