Irrevocable (Fated series (can be read as a standalone) Book 3)

  Version 1F

  ISBN 9781520749662

  Copyright © A. S. Roberts

  All Rights Reserved Worldwide

  Any unauthorised reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the express permission of the author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organisations and places or events are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locations is entirely coincidental.

  I am an English author and write in British English. Except when I write as an American character, then I will use American slang.

  Image copyright©2017

  Edited by Karen J.

  Proofreading by The Fireball Fillies.

  Beta read by The Fireball Fillies.

  Cover art by MA Bussiere.

  Formatting by Brenda Wright, Formatting Done Wright

  All songs, song titles mentioned in this novel are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

  Playlist

  This is dedicated to all who have ever been hurt and to those who have said they’re fine, when quite simply they’re not.

  Love can come at many stages of your life, make sure you are not too blinded by the past to see it.

  Make sure your heart is always in the present, and ready to receive it.

  Love comes in many forms, make sure your heart is open enough to let it in.

  Love can be around the corner hiding in the future, just waiting for your right time.

  Love comes to even those who thought they had been hurt

  Chapters

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Epilogue

  Eight years ago

  The evening was freezing cold, even by my gran’s village’s standards. I carefully placed one bright pink ballet pump in front of the other as I watched the late evening mist swirl and dance around the triangular, stone war memorial just ahead of me. The village I had made my way through sat low down in a Kentish valley, and the temperature was often colder by a couple of degrees than the other areas that closely surrounded it. I had made my way to the centre as fast I could without, I hoped, bringing any unwanted attention to myself. I could hear my own staggered breathing and the frantic beat of my heart, as it fought with the feelings of panic coursing their way around my brain. I hugged my oversized jumper around my shivering form, not wanting my gran’s neighbours to witness my mistake. Another wave of pain pulsed out deep from the centre of my body. I resisted the urge to double over, instead I gripped a tight hold of the nearest garden wall. I felt my fingertips sink into the moss and I fixed a taut smile on my lips.

  The one and only pub was a hundred yards away and it was sod’s law that people I had known all my life were starting to spill out of it on their way home.

  ‘Night, Jasmin,’ came a call from a voice I instantly recognised.

  I glanced up from my painful stance to see one of my gran’s friends waving a hand at me from across the street.

  Managing a weak but I hoped audible answer, I lifted my hand gingerly and

  waved back.

  ‘Night, Ivy,’ I whispered back.

  ‘If you’re looking for your gran, love, she went into town tonight with Stan, not sure if they’re home yet… You can wait at mine, if you like?’ she called over the road to me.

  Please, please don’t cross the street.

  An overriding feeling of panic started to bubble up from inside of me. I knew if she came face to face with me, she would be able to see the sheen of sweat on my face as I fought to inwardly contain the pain I was in.

  ‘It’s no problem, but thanks anyway,’ I called back, my voice starting to rise in tempo and tone as my body relinquished itself into the darkness that threatened to engulf me.

  Despite the relentless pain, I carried on making my way slowly to my gran’s cottage. I used the excuse of being a polite and well brought up young lady as the reason why I stopped several times and shouted out my goodnights, when the truth was I needed to stand still as my body pushed through wave after wave of pain. Finally, the pub regulars dispersed and disappeared into their warm homes. I shuddered with the realisation that I was on my own. All that was left in the small village was me and the ever-thickening mist. The first of many sobs forced their way from my pursed, dry lips and I allowed the tears that I had forced myself to contain earlier, to chase each other down my cold cheeks. After managing to dodge most of the neighbours, I knocked hesitantly on my gran’s door, just to check.

  There was no answer. She wasn’t in.

  My grand plan crashed around my ears. I had no other option, well not one that I wanted to use. I was ashamed and wanted to share that shame with as few of the people I cared about as possible. I would have to wait and hope she wasn’t too much longer. The evening mist seemed to be getting damper and I knew I had to have some sort of shelter from the penetrating cold and wet. The red telephone box opposite gran’s looked almost welcoming. I dragged my aching legs towards it and placed my fingers into the handle to pull open the heavy door.

  A sudden wave of pain came from nowhere, it had no build up. One minute it wasn’t there and the next it took over the whole of my body, and for a few seconds I thought it wouldn’t leave me ever again. I threw myself into my hastily found shelter and the door slammed shut behind me on its overused spring. I gripped on to the old-fashioned Bakelite, wall-mounted phone as tightly as I could. My body demanded that I should start to bear down.

  NO, this can’t be happening.

  In between my legs, I was suddenly wet. As the pain receded I peeled one of my hands away from the hard plastic and placed it on top of my black leggings, in between my legs. For the first time in nearly two months, I saw my own blood glistening on my fingertips. The realisation that everything I had been trying to convince myself wasn’t true, came rushing and swooshing into my panic-filled conscience.

  I sat down quickly onto the cold, concrete floor, staring vacantly out of the small, dirty panes of glass that made up the walls of the telephone box. My gran always left a small lamp on when she wasn’t home. I latched on to the warmth emanating from the lamp in the window and prayed she would arrive home before I passed out from the pain that surrounded me.

  It took an eternity, or at least it felt that way, for Stan’s old Ford to roll gently down the q
uiet lane. The recognisable squeak of his brakes brought me to. I lifted my chin up from my chest and started to push against the heavy weight of the metal door, by extending my legs and pushing with my feet.

  ‘Gran,’ I called with as much force as I could find.

  I watched with gratitude as she looked up and over the roof of the car. All at once she started running towards me.

  ‘Jasmin?’ she shouted.

  I watched as Stan opened the driver’s door after hearing her shout. Standing, he made his way over to the telephone box, after making a cautionary glance for any more cars. They crossed the lane, and hurried towards my inert form.

  She’s seen me. Oh, my God, I’m no longer by myself.

  The relief I felt was absolute. Gran would know what to do, gran had always known what to do when I was younger.

  She had held cold compresses over my bumps.

  She had patched up my broken skin when I fell off my bike.

  She had kissed my tears away.

  She’d know what to do now, as I lost my unborn child.

  Seven years ago

  ‘Do you understand what I’ve been explaining to you?’ I heard the doctor as he bent down, bringing his face close to mine, trying to show me his empathy. He reached out and touched one of my knees. I moved my bent leg suddenly, making his hand fall away.

  I had absorbed the news. In my guilt and pain, I had slid my large frame slowly down the wall of the hospital hallway, hitting the floor with a resounding thump. I’d brought my knees up to my chest and hung my head over them in despair.

  I nodded, hoping that it would be enough of an answer to make his compassion disappear and hopefully him with it. I didn’t want or need his compassion or comfort.

  ‘What has happened is a result of a complication from her condition. It’s nobody’s fault. I and the rest of the team are so very sorry for your loss, Captain Edwards.’

  I lifted my eyes up to meet his, hoping that one glance into my dark, penetrative gaze would convince him and his team to leave me the hell alone.

  I saw the moment that I made him feel uncomfortable enough, with a sigh he stood up. I watched as he and several other members of his team shuffled their green, over-shoed feet further away from where I sat.

  ‘Yes. I. Understand.’

  I spoke with clarity, using the commanding tone I often used to show my authority. My Navy officer training helped me out.

  If he hadn’t had a clue about me before, I saw that he was starting to get an idea now. What people don’t understand, they generally demonise. Frankly that, more often than not, worked for me, and this was one of those precise moments.

  Facts, I have always understood.

  I had capabilities that stunned my superiors.

  I could work with cold hard facts.

  But people? People and their overly-hyped emotions generally meant nothing to me, unless I was close to them, and those people I could count on one hand.

  I only needed a few people in my life, and what had just happened in the room behind me solidified that fact. From now on I would only keep close the people in my life that meant something to me.

  It always seemed that my neglect to others’ emotions and well-being brought about their demise.

  Another fact I could now work with.

  I closed my eyes to gain back my control and reopened them.

  ‘I’m ready.’ I pushed myself up to standing and turned around, placing my hand on the closed door. I heard them scurrying behind me, waiting to follow me in. I paused momentarily as a whoosh of air left the stark, white room. The noise of the machines and the flashing of their lights reminded me of my helicopter cock-pit, and for a single moment that put me at ease.

  I inhaled the deepest breath of my life as I stepped back inside, and prepared to do what was necessary. I walked up as close as I could get to the hospital bed, resting the lower half of my thighs against the sheet that covered her and picked up one of her cold, white hands. I brushed one of my fingers over her wedding bands.

  ‘You can switch it off now.’ I spoke to no one in particular, and made sure I caught nobody’s eyes.

  I allowed myself to hold on to the regularly spaced beeps, knowing that their constant tone inferred that life was still present.

  1-2-3-4-5-……Shut the fuck up!

  I forced my head to stop counting in time, knowing that if anyone had looked up from their job in hand they would have been able to watch as my lips moved, my brain had latched on to the consistent tone, and in a bid to calm myself I had counted along with the sound.

  The room reacted with complete precision, everyone knew their role to play. I knew it was over as soon as the sound of silence crept its way all around the room, slowly drawing us all in and under its spell. Finally, everything was off. I stood stock still while they did their checks, over and over again.

  The regular beeping had gone and so had my wife and unborn child.

  ‘She’s gone.’ I heard the same doctor whisper in my ear as he squeezed my shoulder in compassion. It took all I had not to shake him off once again. I didn’t deserve his compassion, not now, not ever.

  Present day

  Summer had at last reached our little corner of the world. I watched from half-open, heavy-lidded eyes as the sun slowly lifted in the sky and stretched out its fingers of warmth around my bedroom. I knew it was early and wanted to turn over and snuggle back down into the one luxurious thing I owned, my bed. The pure white, Egyptian cotton bedding and duck down quilt wrapped themselves around me, it was as I imagined laying in a white fluffy cloud would feel.

  I stretched my arms up above my head as I rolled onto my back and pushed my fingers into the black metal headboard. The reassuring springs made their normal clank and squeak as I moved. Due to the warm weather my window had been open all night and I could already hear people starting to go about their daily business.

  Just a few minutes more.

  Reaching out with my arm, I had turned the clock radio beside my bed around to face me, the time read 7.22 in large red numerals.

  Ok, so I could stay 8 more minutes in heaven.

  I didn’t dare close my eyes again, that would have been a stupid move. Instead I had watched the sunrays gradually creeping further and further into my room, illuminating everything they touched with their warmth. This room was one of my favourites in the whole cottage. When I had inherited my home from my gran two years ago, all I had needed to do to make my own print on this room was to rub down the woodwork around it, wax the beautiful oak that was underneath the paint, and re-black the small Victorian fireplace. The floor was already stripped back to the bare boards and I had just added a few rugs. The wallpaper on the wall was more off than on in some places, but I wouldn’t change it. My grandad had put it up when they moved in and gran had loved the small lilac flowered pattern. A few choice pieces of stripped-oak furniture completed the picture. She had good taste, my gran.

  How I missed her.

  I threw a quick glance at the clock radio next to me, it was so out of place in here, but nothing else woke me when I needed an alarm. It had to stay no matter how hideous it looked.

  The time read 7.45.

  Oh, God! I really had to stop daydreaming!

  I sat up quickly and jumped out of bed, grabbing some of yesterday’s discarded clothing from the chair. Coco looked up from her basket in the corner of my room, I could almost see her smile as she watched me jumping about in haste. I put on my clothes in double quick time and ran across the landing to the small bathroom. I turned on the cold tap, holding my toothbrush underneath, and listened to the tell-tell bang of the ridiculously old plumbing system. Within a minute the cold water spluttered to life, splashing the front of my T-shirt and denim shorts, I was so used to this occurrence that I didn’t even flinch as the cold water connected with my warm skin. I checked my image in the mirror, scraped my blonde hair off my face and tied it up haphazardly. I knew just how lucky I was not to need too much assistance
to look decent. Unlike the rest of my family, who were almost Amazonian like, I was average height with an athletic frame, but I was blessed with big boobs. Luckily though, I could wear almost anything and carry it off well. My best feature was my deep-set, violet eyes, framed by my long lashes. Taking a second look in the mirror, I realised I was ready to be seen in public.

  ‘Come on, girl, no more lying down we need to get a move on.’ I heard her nails clip on the wooden floor as she obeyed my command and followed me down the narrow stairs. We both turned the corner and went into the sitting room that led out to the back, to my tiny kitchen. My stomach had woken up and was demanding I put something inside it before we left, but I knew until I got paid today there wasn’t anything I fancied left in the fridge. A cup of tea would have to do.

  Ten minutes later we left the cottage, banging the door behind us as we began our walk through the village, picking up our canine friends as we went. Dog walker was the first of the three paid jobs that I would be doing today.

  ‘Morning, Jasmin,’ I heard from a voice high above me.

  ‘Hi, Tom. Are we still on for tonight?’ I watched as the jeans and T-shirt clad, dark-haired man let his gaze wander over my fully-clothed body. He had a way of making me feel like I was wearing nothing at all. I felt my cheeks colour under his inspection.

  ‘We are… unless you’d like to stay in tonight, instead?’ He smiled a teasing smile as he put down his window cleaning cloths and started to descend the ladder.

  ‘Stop it, I’ve got work to go to.’ I pointed a finger at him and smiled. ‘I think we’ll be alright sticking to the original plan and meeting the others at the pub.’ I offered him a cheeky wink and blew him a kiss. He pretended to grab on to the kiss in the air and feigned falling backwards, clutching his heart. I laughed and carried on at a pace up the lane, waving to friends and neighbours as I went. Coco was on a mission and eager to get to her first friend’s house.

  Finally, at 5p.m. that evening I was back home. My arms were laden with the desperately needed shopping. I pushed my way through my front door, dropping my bags haphazardly to the ground in front of me. I bent down slightly to rub one of Coco’s velvet-like ears.